Dear diary (Book 1)

Chapter 17: Rumor

Chapter 17

Katniss P.O.V.

"Dear diary,
I'm done, I'm just ... I'm done. I can't take it anymore.

Clay has been nagging on me to tell him everything. I've told him some but not nearly as much as he wants me too. He's angry at me.

I don't leave my room. Not to go eat or anything. And I don't have to leave to go to the bathroom either since I have one connected to my room.

People are banging on my door all the time. Dad. Mom. Clay. Prim. Annie and the girls has come over and pounded on the door as well. I haven't opened to anyone. Because I can't face anyone.

I don't know what to do. I really don't. I can't stay in here forever though. Clay says that he's not gonna go home until he know exactly what's going on and until he's helped me. Which means that he's never gonna go home.

I really love Clay, I really do and it hurts me so much that I can't tell him. He's not only my cousin he's my brother and I know that he just want to help me, but I'm so scared that he's gonna hate me if I tell him. He is an Everdeen after all. All I can hope is that he's more alike my dad than his mother.

I should give Clay more credit though, I know that, he's not at all alike his mother and his only just a little snobby, but I still feel scared.

I'm scared to tell my parents as well. The way I've been talking to them... I've been so disrespectful and I hate myself for it. Dad and I have always been best friends, we've always talked about everything. This though... I can't talk to him about it. I feel too embarrassed too full of shame.

And I have a confession to make... A confession I can't tell anyone else. I've actually cut. I couldn't help it. But I'm afraid that if I don't tell anyone about everything that's happening to me, I'm gonna continue and that's not good. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I don't regret cutting but I'm also not proud of it.

I need help. I just can't take this all by myself. This is all just too much for me to handle on my own.

But I don't know how to ask for help because I really don't want my family to know how weak I am. My girls has tried to help me but I don't want them to, because Glimmer goes after them as well. Annie is still upset over the photos Glimmer sent her.

But I swear that if I didn't have my girls I wouldn't have been able to make it through school. And maybe I wouldn't even be here to write right now. I'm not saying that to scare myself but it's true. And my family is also I big reason I'm still breathing.

But... How easy wouldn't it be? For me to just give up and stop breathing?

I can't think like that. I don't have afford to think like that. I know that life is precious but... When I was a little girl we used to go to church, I used to love it and I really thought that God existed. Now though I don't. All these nights I've been in bed, crying, begging, praying for help. People always says that God never gives you more than you can take, but that's not true. Because I can't take it anymore and I'm serious. If he does exist, where the hell is he? Why can't he help me? Have I done something bad to deserve this? No God doesn't exist and that's that. At least for me. And nothing anyone tells me is ever gonna make me change my opinion.