Far beyond broken.

Chapter three - Back to reality.

~Lydia~

So now i was alone. Everything hit me hard. Every single mistake i had made, every time i had messed up, even if it was the tiniest of things. It was enough to set me off and get me into that negative frame of mind.

I had convinced myself that i had gotten better, that my life was better. But the truth is that it hasn't. Just because i have a friend, it doesn't change the way i feel. Sure it helps, believe me it does. But i barely even know Allison, i've known her for a few days.

I decided that now was time to take a nap. I had a few more hours until my parents would be home and there wasn't much point staying up and dwelling on things that i can't necessarily do anything about.

*

"Wake up fatty!" I heard my mother say. Ugh really? It's morning, i slept through, opps. The truth is whenever my mums home she's always calling me names; fat, ugly, emo, weird... The list goes on. It may be a joke to her, but for me it isn't. It makes me feel so bad, because even if its a joke theres usually truth to it or it wouldn't of been said.

And i can see, in my reflection all the things my mother calls me, their true and really i don't blame her for thinking it, but she doesn't need to say it out loud and make me feel bad about myself.

I didn't know how i managed to put up with it, how i managed to cope. perhaps it was because i had no choice. the only time my mum ever acknowledges me, she's always throwing insults and remarks at me and it makes me really self conscious, insecure and it knocks my confidence back severely,

I had a little over an hour before i had to leave for school. An hour of which i would cry for. It may sound stupid, but i'm constantly called names by the one person who is meant to reassure and comfort me.

*

I took a long, deep hard stare at myself in the mirror. This just one hundred percent proves that my mother is right with everything she says about me. I looked at my dull green eyes, my lips were sore, chapped and cracked, i truly was ugly. And my blonde hair was absolutely awful, it was frizzy and knotted. I then looked at my round body shape in the mirror, i was indeed fat. My body didn't go in, it was wide and round. I sighed before deciding to do what needed to be done.

I went into my en-suit bathroom and took my blade in with me, i really will be needing that. i closed my eyes and took a long deep breath before beginning to cut.

One cut for being fat.

Another for being so ugly.

And one last one for being such a weirdo who no one likes.

My eyes began to water, it was hard not to cry. I had to hold back my tears, or tears would just begin to stream down my face. Then i put the tap on to rinse my the blood off my arm. I was still bleeding, blood was still pouring. The sink was covered in blood,but it was more of a pinkish colour as the water had diluted it. I then looked down at my arm, it was throbbing, absolutely throbbing. My cuts were pink and horrible, they looked so unattractive, at least i have sleeves. I really have lost count of the amount of scars I have, things have gotten so bad for me.

I then went back into my room. I put on my black,baggy jeans that i always wear. Their just so comfortable. I then put on a long sleeved checkered shirt, i needed sleeves or my cuts would be visible and i didn't want that. I didn't want people to judge me even more than they already had done. Cutting yourself isn't something to be proud of or to brag about.

I left my horrible hair. It can stay down, it's messy but who do i have to impress?

I applied a small amount of makeup, but it was discrete so it looked natural.

I looked in the mirror now, hoping i would look better, prettier. People say makeup makes you look better.... And i believed that up until now.

But nope, ugly like always. It didn't make a difference whatsoever, i shouldn't of even bothered.It was a complete and utter waste of my time.

I got my navy converse out of the wardrobe and slipped them on. I was hungry, but i remembered how my mum called me fat, even i knew i was fat. No i'm not going to eat, i need to control my intake if i have any chance of loosing weight. Doubt my parents will even notice anyway.

I grabbed my phone off the counter top, although there wasn't much point me having one. I didn't use it interact with anyone, i'd get the odd message from my parents but that didn't happen often, like once a fortnight. I really did feel unloved, no one really does care about me, i just don't belong...

When you cry, when you're sad and when you over think, time really does fly by. For the last hour i had done nothing but go round and round in circles with the same thoughts. And the worst part was now i had to go to school, i had to put on a front and even worse i'd have to lie to my only friend.

***

I drove to school at a steady pace, i wanted to get out of that house it makes me depressed. As soon as i got out of the car and walked through the gates people began to look at me. I decided to not look at them, instead i just looked at the ground. i could hear people bitching, giggling, whispering and people pointing directly at me.

Do they not have anything better to do than talk and take the mick out of me?

Is their life really that sad?

I decided to pull a straight face so people didn't think that it got to me, i didn't want them to notice because it would just make things worse.

I heard remarks as i walked past.

"Weirdo."

"Freak."

"Emo."

"Fat."

"Plump."

"hideous"

"Why is that new girl friends with her?"

I really have had enough of this now, why can't people just leave me alone?

And i still have another year of this...

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A/N

Ekkk i am so happy with this chapter omg. So i took a while to update,sorry :(. But yeah its quite hard to right so yano. Tell me what you think, i need to get my reads up!

ummm unedited, more than likely mistakes and quite short. Yes i know sorry, its how it write.

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