Far beyond broken.

Chapter Thirteen - Returning

~Lydia~

Today was release day. I wasn't looking forwards to it; I didn't want to go home to have Isaac and Allison fussing over me and thinking i'm incapable of doing anything. Like that would suck.

Isaac was coming to collect me and check me out. He was my next in kin now, due to a lack of family. It was quite awkward really. Isaac had only visited me twice up here, whereas his sister Allison came up nearly everyday bearing small gifts for me; mainly food. Chocolate to be precise which makes me feel better about myself even if it does make you gain weight, something I already have a lot of (weight). But I was wary about weight gain, so wary. I was too scared to even step on the scales, my weight would be dreadful; it would make me feel disgusted with myself.

I grabbed my belongings together. I didn't have much. Just a few outfits that had been worn while I was here. I still felt crap. I wasn't all there... Everything felt so wrong. I was surprised that I was even aloud to be realised considering I was so adamant to die. Sure they wanted to put me in a sanitarium, but they didn't force me to do so. No one could make me do anything; the only people whoever had authority over me were now gone. My parents were gone, no one could control me now. Besides I was too far gone... Too far gone to even listen.

I looked up to see Isaac stood outside of my hospital room waiting for me. Right, so he doesn't even want to come in here interact with me? I think he's feeling frustrated with me and I don't blame him. I'm frustrated with me too, but its so much deeper than that, so much more. I can't even explain how I feel; half the time I can't even provide a reason to why I feel so depressed.

It's just there. The depression is there. It is always there. I never get a break; it never leaves. I'm always carrying this depression around with me and I hate it so much. It's like this tight feeling in my stomach filled with negativity... Its awful and no one should have to go through it; no one should have to feel this way.

Suicidal is worse. So much more worse. When you're contemplating your suicide everyday; you're wanting a way out, anyway out. You're beyond the point of caring. But you also can't do it; you can't end it. Its not the fact that you're afraid. Its more of the fact that deep down you don't want to leave; you don't want to be forgotten.

But for me, everything got too much. I stopped caring. I hated my life so much that I just wanted out, regardless to the consequences. It wasn't up for discussion either; it still isn't. I'm still determined to die. Perhaps i did make mistakes the first time around, but I know not to make those mistakes again. But with Isaac and Allison living with me I'll be watched constantly. I'll just have to find the right time; the right opportunity.

"Lydia are you ready?" I heard Isaac's voice. I snapped back into reality, I was staring at a wall. A white wall; I may aswell be in a sanitarium right now. I would only get lost in my thoughts anyway.

"Yes." I responded. I was ready the whole time I just got distracted by thinking about things.

"Well lets go then?" Isaac frowned, he then began to walk on ahead. I just followed him, I wasn't really bothered about being in hospital. I wasn't relieved about leaving either. Ending up in the hospital was never my intention, my intention was more like ending up in the morgue. If only, I let out a small sigh.

I looked up to see Isaac's car. We were in car park already, that didn't take long at all. I thought it would take longer due to the fact that the hospital is quite spacious so surely the exit would take a while to find or get to? But who knows.

I got into Isaac's car. Allison wasn't here so things would be super awkward today. I couldn't even make conversation with Isaac. It was so awkward, too awkward. I'm prerty sure that there's only one thing he would want to discuss with me and that would be about me going to hospital. What really happened, how it happened, why it happened... Do i really need to go on? It would all be questions that I don't want to answer.

I felt the vehicle move. Isaac was finally driving, he was finally on the road. It certainly took him long enough anyway. I didn't think that we were ever going to leave the hospital at this point.

Its humiliating really, to go through something like this and not to succeed. To have everyone know what happened, how you wanted out... You were prepared to go through with it all but you didn't succeed. Now I would be labeled as the "suicidal girl" or attention seeking. But its not really attention seeking because I didn't bug anyone with my problems.

Isaac pulled up outside my house. I sighed, this was just a memory of everything. The last time I was conscious under this roof; I thought it would be the last. I didn't think that things would turn out like this... I never pictured myself coming back here.

Isaac got out of the car... He grabbed my bags and took them in for me too. How sweet of him. More like he's trying to be supportive and help me... I don't need his help. I don't want any help.  I want to leave.

Thinking about it more, I think I will go to the sanitarium that was offered to me. Staying here with them is going to be dreadful. I can already feel my stomach turning. I honestly don't know how much of this I can take.

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A/n

Crap chapter. Honestly can't explain how difficult this is to write. Thats exactly why I stopped writing it to begin with. And i have like high hopes for this book; I wanted about 30 chapters but I don't know if I can do it tbh :/

Next update will be next week. I don't really have any intentions of updating before then as I'm super busy, sorry.

Unedited, main focus was to just get this up. I know its short too... I really did struggle tbh.

Thanks for reading <3

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Freya x