Far beyond broken.

Chapter ten - Failed attempts...

~Lydia~

It was dark. Completely dark. There was nothing. No emotions, no feelings, no nothing... I was no longer suffering, I was free! This is what I had wanted all along... Why had I been such a coward? Why did I waste so much time in that world when I could of been here in peace the whole time?

Then there was light. My fuzzy vision. There were empty wrappers of painkillers all on the titled floor and a bloody knife. I felt my wrist stinging, throbbing as blood seared out of my arm. Clearly I had not gone deep enough, or I would be gone. Stupid me, i could never do anything right, never. I didn't know where I had gone wrong. I had used a knife, I had sliced into my arm reasonably deep, deeper than I had ever gone before. Blood was pouring and it wouldn't stop, it was almost like I had gone through a vein, but if I had I wouldn't be in this horrible place anymore...

My nostrils were inflamed. They felt as if they were both individually on fire, it was awful. It wasn't a nice feeling, this was what painkillers do to you... They had caused me to pass out. And I was happy, I thought I was dead, I was gone, That i was away from this life and no longer had to deal with all of this. But no, I was just passed out! What a disappointment! Wait disappointed didn't even begin to explain it!? Clearly I hadn't taken enough painkillers, I would take more but i don't have any and I'm not exactly in a fit state to go out and purchase some.

My suicide attempts had failed. The pain killers were making me suffer, but not killing me. I hadn't taken enough.

Pathetic. Just like me.

I left the blood practically pouring from my arm, it was gushing about everywhere. There was nothing to lose, absolutely nothing. If my other suicide attempts that I still have yet to try fail, then I hope I at least die from blood loss. If not... Then all of this would of been stupid, pointless and for nothing, just like my life itself and i don't want this life anymore.

There was another way to end it, I would end it. I had decided, my life was ending today regardless to what happens. I had practically made an oath to myself. Besides, i couldn't stay here anyway... I mean i'm so unhappy here, i don't fit in and everyones better off without me.

I somehow managed to get up, i felt terrible. My stomach ached really bad, i kinda felt like i was going to vomit but it was so much worse than that... It was complete agony.

I went to the kitchen drawers, it was slow progress. Each step was agonising and never ending... I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was too much.

I grabbed some rope out of the kitchen drawer, it was a long bit, long enough for what i needed it for... I guess it was my "lucky day". I had to do this now, I had about twenty minutes until it would be an hour since Isaac and Allison had left and I didn't want them to come back and to talk me out of it or for them to catch me in the act.

I got the step ladder out and hung the rope up on the metal bar in the living room. I stayed stood on the step ladder and wrapped the rope around my neck. I then tied a knot, i was unsure to whether I had done the knot right, but i really hoped i had...

I stepped off the step ladder and hung a in the air a little. i gave the step ladder a small kick, so it could move away and i could just hang. I felt the rope tighten around my neck, it was working... It was becoming more and more difficult to breath... I could feel my brain pulsing against my skull as i began to become oxygen deprived... I felt myself drift... I felt fuzzy and drowsy. Goodbye cruel world. That's what I thought, little did I know...

I had done the knot wrong, it wasn't working... The rope didn't get any tighter, so i was just left hanging... And although i felt like i was going to pass out; i fucking didn't! I just stayed in midair.

Why is everything failing!?

I had one last plan; drowning myself in the bath. I had approximately five minutes until Allison and Isaac would be here. Perhaps they would be running late... It really was a long shot.

I shrugged. I grabbed some weights from the cupboard, they would weigh me down when I'm under water and keep me under water. After that I rushed to my bedroom and got changed into my white robe... I loved my white robe, i wanted it to be the thing I wore when I died... It was that special.

I grabbed the weights and went into my en-suit bathroom, locking the door behind me. I put on the taps for the bath, i ran them as fast as they would go... I needed to do this and I couldn't afford to waste anytime. I watched the bathtub as it filled up, it was nearly half full now, i was unsure to whether it would be deep enough. I then heard knocking on my door, my heart began to pound.

I looked out of the window. It was Isaac and Allison, they're not going to stop me... I heard the door bash. It sounded like it had been kicked in, no... They can't find me like this... Alive.

I let out a gentle sigh before stepping into the bathtub. The bath water turned a pinky, reddy colour because of the blood from my arm. I grabbed the weights off the floor and held them. I took one last breath as i heard footsteps come closer and closer; it was time, this was it. This is how it was truly going to end...

I then went under the water, I put one weight on my upper torso and the other on my lower torso... It was dreadful at first, one of the worst things i had experienced. I tried to reach the surface, but I couldn't because of the weights, that was the purpose of them. I couldn't hold my breath much longer, it would be moments, moments until i would be gone. I embraced the final moments as this was my last few seconds on in this world. I could feel everything closing in on me, I knew I was going to die and it didn't scare me anymore. Why had I been such a coward before?

There was then bashing on the bathroom door, but little did they know it was way too late.

*************************************

A/N

Mmm this is a shit update sorry didn't really know how to write about the hanging as i haven't experienced that.

Sorry about this, it had to happen. Just wait until the next chapter, thats all i'm saying.

Don't be mad at me. I'll update on sunday promise <3 xo

Thanks for reading

Remember to vote/comment

Thanks

Freya xx