Far beyond broken.

Chapter Twelve - Constant Surveillance

~Allison~

I was in the waiting room. Those horrible dark blue, cold metal chairs they leave you to sit on. Whilst you're sat their wondering whether the person you're here for, who you deeply care about is dying or if their okay. It's like a waiting game. I get why people hate hospitals, half the time when you go into hospital. You never leave.

But Lydia was fortunate. We caught her in time... A few more seconds longer she would of died; there would of been nothing that could of been done.

She would be aloud to go home soon. She needed to stay over night to see how she really is. A therapist type person would be here soon to question Lydia. She was conscious, awake. I wanted to go and see her but I couldn't. I didn't even know where to begin or what to say... It would just be very awkward.

Isaac would be in there right now if he hadn't gone home to change his clothes. He would be disappointed, he wanted to be there when Lydia woke up. So it would show that he cares. That he's here for her and is at her side no matter what.

But now I was unsure to react to all of this... How to act or what to do around my friend. She clearly felt so bad about herself to resort to this. How I was so oblivious to realise that my friend was suffering so badly. How could I miss it? I guess I was just a bad friend and I wasn't there when Lydia needed me most.

*****

~Lydia~

I was unhappy. More unhappy than before. I was a failure... I had failed once again. This was a failure. I couldn't do anything right, anything at all.

I had tried my hardest and still didn't succeed, so what more could I possibly do?

This would all go on file. Have an impact on my future career and restrict me from certain jobs as I'm basically classes as unstable.

I looked up to see a figure heading this way, a figure heading towards my room. I couldn't face anyone right now. No, what I had done was pathetic and stupid. I hadn't even succeeded either. I just wanted to leave this awful place. I want to go home, just so I can try again... My determination is enough so I don't understand this. And its so not luck, i'm completely luckless. Miracles never occur when they're actually needed most.

Whoever was coming into my hospital room, I sure as hell hoped it wasn't the doctor.. I didn't want their stupid medication. I didn't want anything from them.

The figure entered the room... Isaac. He was here. God... I didn't want to see him either... Like i couldn't face him. After what I done, god only knows what he's thinking... Its bad. I don't know what to say; how I'm going to interact with him. My heart was racing, my stomach tightened. I didn't want to engage because no matter what me trying to kill myself would be the main thought from both parties as its rather traumatic and something that would be classed as serious.

"Why." I heard him say. Exactly my point... What could I say? It wouldn't be valid. I couldn't make him understand how hard this was, how bad I feel about myself. It just makes me feel rubbish because I can't even do something so simple.

"Lydia." Isaac spoke again. I was lost in my thoughts, i still hadn't responded to what he said... It was unfair. It must be awful to have a friend going through this and you to be so oblivious and feel so useless about it all.

"Can we not talk about this please?" I sighed.

"You need time... I understand that, I do. But I've told you before... Don't shut me out or Allison. Its not fair, we're your friends. We want to help you; we want whats best for you." Isaac explained. If he wanted what was best for me, he would of left me to die in that fucking bath tub. Thats what would of been best for me, that was my fate... Or so I wish.

"I'm not talking about this." I mumbled.

"And I'm not going to give up and let you go through this alone. Me and Allison have packed some stuff and brought it to your house. We will be staying with you... I don't want you to feel like you're under constant surveillance or anything but we just don't want anything bad to happen to you..." He trailed off. It is constant surveillance! And something bad is happening to me... I'm going through this shit. How can it get any worse??

But there was no point disputing it or arguing about it. If Isaac wanted to stay; if he was that determined then he could. But he wouldn't be achieving anything.

2:30 am when everything comes crashing down.... I will revert back to the old me. And where will he be? Asleep, fucking asleep. I will wait until he's asleep. I won't change my ways, not for anyone.

"Ok." I agreed with him.

"Ok? Is that it? You're not going to argue with me or try and shut us out?" Isaac asked me, stunned that my stubbornness had stepped aside. It had only stepped aside because I couldn't deal with all the aggro and i didn't want to lose my only friends. Even if I didn't have much time left in this cruel world; i still wanted friends. It was the only way I could be remembered now. Being forgotten, that was my biggest fear of all. But it didn't matter... Not really. Because when my depression kicks in, I don't care about anything.

"You want to stay therefore you are." I bluntly told him.

"Umm the doctors waiting outside to come and see you. I'll leave as i get that this is confidential and personal. So i'll let you have your confidentiality. I'll sent the doctor in." Isaac told me. I just nodded, I didn't need to say anything to that. Not really.

Isaac then left the room, a few moments later the doctor came in. A woman, old-ish looking... She had brown hair, but her grey hairs were coming through. It was very visible, it didn't look great. Has she ever considered dying her hair?

"Lydia, its remarkable that you recovered really." The doctor began. What am I meant to say to that?

"Not up for talking? Right fine I'll get to the point." She paused. Yes just get to the point, I want to be by myself. I am alone. People don't care; for instance all this doctor cares about is her massive paycheque. And I'm part of that, in some way.

"Due to the seriousness of your situation; selfharm scars leading back to years ago. Organ damage due to occasional overdose on painkillers. We have decided to put you in a sanitarium. We think you would benefit from this deeply. You would be away from everyone and everything. Therefore you wouldn't be faced with any problems; only loneliness. But your already faced with that right? You will have no contact with the outside world, not if you don't wish to. And the best part about you going to the sanitarium is that you can't harm yourself." The doctor explained. It was a good offer... It really was. But I would still be here. I wouldn't be dead. I would have to deal with being me.

"I'll let you think on it. You should be able to go home in a few days, so I'll need your answer by then as it all needs to be arranged. There's not really a choice either... You're options are very limited. Choose wisely Lydia." The doctor told me, she then left the room. Wow I didn't like her; I don't like anyone.

But now I was faced with a decision. A decision that would be hard to make. There were pros and cons. I wouldn't have to deal with anyone else but myself, that was the biggest temptation to going to this sanitarium. I could get away from everything and everyone. But i also don't want to leave everything behind; I guarantee that I won't even recover there and I will just feel the same in the sanitarium and there I won't be able to take any action about it.

So i really don't know. But I did know that I wasn't going to tell Isaac or Allison about this. It was my decision to make, therefore I didn't need their input.

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A/n
Sorry about the long wait, i kinda stopped writing this because I wanted to finish some other books but I have now so maybe I'll have more time for this.

I know this chapter defiantly isn't worth the long wait. But this book is so very challenging to write; i can't even explain.

Unedited, probably some mistakes, I dunno. I'm quite tired #needtonap so sorry about that too.

Thanks for reading <3

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Freya xx