Beautiful Lives

Chapter 13

Chapter 13 - Can't Help Falling in Love (Kina Grannis)

After a while, I insisted that the guys continue with their practice, so I perched on the stairs and watched them for hours. I'd never realized how good they really were, but when I put all of my focus into their music, it was easy to slip into the world that they created. I watched each of them individually for what felt like ages – the way they made every note look so effortless, and the way it all came together was something I'd never really appreciated, until I really sat down and thought about it.

As much as I didn't want to think about it, the memories of the past few days started flooding into my mind as I daydreamed. Just like the music echoing throughout the room, my life had been so together that it would have been hard to see the individual pieces that made it perfect. And now, just one of those pieces had shattered, and even though everything else was still intact, it was impossible to miss the gaping hole that was glaring me in the face.

I wanted to be positive, and I wanted to be okay. But I couldn't shake the little nagging voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me over and over that it wasn't fair. I was sixteen years old, and I wasn't ready to deal with my mortality. I wanted to be sitting in band practice with the guys, going to parties with my best friend, and talking on the phone with my boyfriend until all hours of the morning. I wanted to get good grades, and go on adventures, and spend time with my family. I wanted to live.

"Lexi!" I was jolted out of my thoughts as I realized the music had stopped, and everyone was packing up their instruments. Nate hoisted his guitar onto his back and crossed the room, grabbing my hands and pulling me to my feet. "We're heading out; do you need a ride?"

"Yeah, sure," I said, waving to the rest of the group as we started up the stairs. Once we were loaded into the car, Nate pulled out of the driveway, and reached over to grab my hand.

"Do you mind if I come crash at your place for a bit?" I asked. "I'm sorry, I know you have work to do, but I just really don't want to go home yet,"

"I was actually going to invite you," Nate smirked. "I definitely get that you don't want to be at home,"

"Thanks," I sighed in relief. "My mom and Ryder are great, but they're going to smother me now more than ever, and I just need some time to figure this out for myself,"

"Of course," Nate said. After a moment, he took a deep breath, and squeezed my hand tightly. "You're not going to die though, right?" he asked. "They can cure you?"

"I honestly don't know," I said. "Why, does that change your mind?"

What I wanted to say was that I wouldn't blame him at all if it did. Back in Michigan, when I'd been diagnosed, all of my friends had started to drift away from me, and as hard as it was, I completely understood. No one wanted to be associated with the dying girl, no one wanted to be the one who had to lose someone they were close with. No one wanted the pity after I was gone, and no one really wanted the trouble while I was still around.

But, I didn't get a chance to say anything, because Nate cut me off almost immediately.

"No," he said, firmly. "Of course it doesn't, I just..." he paused to collect himself. "I don't want to lose you. I just found you,"

"Nate, I'm so sorry," I said. "You didn't ask for any of this, and I hate that you have to go through all of it now,"

"Lexi," he replied. "I was a complete and total asshole to you for the first six months that you knew me, and it was all because I liked you and felt too guilty about my ex-girlfriend to hang around with you. I think I owe you, and besides – I'm finally happy now that I'm with you, and I'm not letting you go just because of this,"

He pulled into his driveway, and I couldn't do much other than shake my head. My throat felt like it was closing in on itself as I tried to hold it together, and I didn't know what to say to him in response.

He jumped out of the car, and came around to my side, opening the door and helping me out. I linked my arm through his, and we walked up to the house together. Even though I'd been to his place before, it had a different feel now that I was there as his girlfriend, and not just as another person in his grade. We went upstairs to his room, and he shut the door behind us. I sat down on his unmade bed, crossing my legs as I watched him pace.

"So what's going to happen?" he finally said. "Are you going to get really sick and miserable? Or is it going to be easy?"

"Well, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure," I muttered. "But I don't really know what it'll be like this time,"

"Okay," he rubbed his face with his hands. He was breathing faster, and I could tell that the reality of all of it was crashing down on him. The longer we hesitated in between sentences, the more panicked he got.

"You don't have to do this," I said, finally. "You don't have to stay with me. I know you said you want to be with me, but if you can't handle it, I'm not going to blame you. You have to do whatever's best,"

"Lexi!" he shouted, turning on me with a sudden anger. His hands were trembling as he pressed them to his eyes, shaking his head. "Stop it, stop assuming I'm going to leave you. I already told you that I want to be with you, and this doesn't change my mind, so stop thinking that I'm such a bad guy, and trust me!"

"I don't think you're a bad guy," I said. "Look, Nate, when I was sick as a kid, I lost all of my friends because of it. Everyone abandoned me because they couldn't handle it, and yeah I eventually made a few friends when I got to high school, but for a long time, I was a complete loser that no one talked to,"

"Oh god," he looked up at me, his face falling as he realized how serious I was. "Lex, I'm sorry, I didn't know,"

"Yeah, well it isn't exactly something I like talking about," I shrugged. Nate crossed the room, and sat down beside me, grabbing my hands.

"I'm not going to leave, I promise. And neither is anyone else. You don't have to worry about that anymore,"

I closed my eyes for a second, willing myself to push the conversation just a little bit further.

"Nate, this could kill me," I said, slowly. "And it's not going to be pretty to watch,"

"Lexi," he said, his eyes locked so tightly with mine that neither of us could even blink. "You can't say anything that's going to make me change my mind about this,"

All of a sudden, his lips crashed onto mine. I wrapped my arms around him, holding onto him like I was afraid to let go. We'd never kissed like this before. There was a raw, untouchable passion to this, and it made my entire body tingle with anticipation. Nate lowered me onto the bed, gently, never taking his lips off of mine. The heat built, and he worked my tank top over my head, almost frantically. My hands fumbled for his shirt buttons, and coaxed them undone, leaving him to pull off his pants, and slip off my skirt.

And then he paused. I knew that any other boy would be hungrily taking in every inch of my now naked body, but Nate's eyes remained fixed on mine. A wave of emotions crossed his face, and I knew he was holding it together, for my sake. He didn't want to fall apart in front of me, in case it would push me over the edge.

After a long moment, he leaned forward until his lips brushed my ear, and he took a deep, ragged breath before finally speaking.

"I love you," he said, his voice so thick it sounded like his throat was closing up. I ran my fingers through his tousled hair, and allowed him to plant kisses along my collarbones, all up and down my neck and stomach, before I finally cupped his cheek, forcing him to look back at my face.

"I love you too," I choked, and our lips connected once more.