Beautiful Lives

Chapter 20

Chapter 20 - Infinity (Original Song)

Dr. Nightingale had neglected to mention one thing about GvHD – that I would be almost constantly monitored to make sure that it wasn't getting any worse. My days became long blurs of school in the morning followed by afternoons sitting around in the hospital waiting room. By the time my ten-minute check-in was completed, I would be back home, with nowhere near enough energy to go and see my friends. My teachers kept telling me I didn't have to complete the homework assignments they gave out, and I knew that they were only trying to be accommodating, but it insulted me more than anything, so, I started spending my evenings trying to work through pages of math questions, just to prove that I could. Obviously a little part of me knew that they were right, that I didn't need to be wasting the tiny bits of energy that I had trying to graph polynomials. But everything else seemed to have been taken from me, and I was too stubborn to just let go of this too.

The psychologist that Dr. Nightingale had decided I needed after the GvHD scare told me that I was in denial. Denial about being sick, denial about needing time to get better. Of course, I didn't listen to a word he said. He may well have been right, but it was the only thing getting me through the days at this point, and if I accepted that I should be spending all of my time lying in bed, I knew that I would only get worse.

One Wednesday night, I finally got a reprieve. My check-ins for GvHD had become slightly more infrequent, and I had a rare night off from both therapy and treatment. As the final bell rang for school that day, I found myself almost lost for ideas. I was so used to heading straight to the hospital once school was finished, and all of a sudden, I had a whole night that was my own. I knew my mother would tell me that I should spend it getting some rest, and although I was exhausted, I couldn't bring myself to go get in the car. So, I texted Ryder, telling him I'd be home in a bit, and went back into the building to find my friends.

"Hey you," Nate said as I arrived at his locker. "What are you still doing here?"

"I've got the night off," I said, leaning against the wall. "Wanna do something?"

"Do something with you?" he asked, pretending to be shocked. "Why I'd be honoured,"

"You're an idiot," I said, wrapping my arms around his neck so I could kiss him. "Where should we go?"

"As much as I'd love to steal you away, I kind of promised the guys I'd come to band practice tonight. I've been missing a few too many rehearsals to study for the stats test,"

"That's cool," I said. "I can just watch,"

"Like Sebastian's going to let you get away with that," he said, rolling his eyes. "We'll stop by your house to pick up your guitar,"

Of course, he was right. As I walked through the door, Sebastian didn't even blink before handing me a copy of the song they were going to be rehearsing. I rolled my eyes as I sat down beside Nate, tuning my guitar, which hadn't been played in quite some time.

My fingers felt a little rusty, racing up and down the frets, unable to quite keep up. No one made any comments, but as the night wore on, I started to feel frustrated – how had cancer been able to even take away my ability to make music? I thought it would get easier, like it used to after a little time off, but my hands were only getting more tired, along with the rest of my body. After an hour and a half of practice, I was ready to throw in the towel. I just wanted to go home, to lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. I didn't want to let anyone see me like this.

"Lexi," Nate nudged me gently, pulling me out of my thoughts. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat, and looking down at my guitar. It had always felt like home in my arms, but today it just felt so wrong.