pain ☹☻ {r.m + l.f}

one•

A/N they're all 18 now and Texas happened in sophomore year. I might update now and then, but not as much.
-

R. I. L. E. Y.

Pain.

Pain stabs you in the heart a million times till you fall and aren't able to get up. Pain is what I feel when I look at him.

Him. The green eyed boy that I'm in love with. I know you make think that love is extreme, but I know how I feel.

-
"Lucas can I talk to you, alone?" I ask as I walk through the doors of his Texas home. He sits next Farkle and Zay but gets up. He flashes me a smile that makes me so heart felt.

We go outside a bit far far from the house but not too far.  We walk in silence as the nights cold air gets thicker.

When we get to an old bridge near his house, I stare at the water, not sure how to start off. I know I should start off with 'Maya likes you' but it didn't sound right. It was a bitter taste I got when saying it.

I shiver from the cold weather but I try not to feel it. "Riley." Lucas says softly. I look at him but I feel like I'm being ripped in half.

"Are you cold? Here take the jacket I brought with me." He wraps the jacket around me and I surround in warmth.

"You don't have to, Lucas. Won't you get cold?" I ask him. He shakes his head and looks up to the sky. "You're really important to me Riley, I hope you always know that." He gives me a goofy smile which I answer back.

"You're really important to me, too, Lucas." I could feel the strain from holding back too many tears. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream.

I think he might of seen my sadness as he lifted my chin up and stood very close to me.

"What is it?" He asked quietly. I felt a shiver down my back, like I always did when something like this happened between me and Lucas.

"I'm so sorry," I said ever so delicately with tears forming in my eyes. His eyebrows furrowed but he still pulled me into a tight hug and I sobbed into his plaid shirt.

We stayed that way for who knows how long. I felt comfortable with my face buried in his chest and him stroking my hair. I didn't want to let go, knowing this would be the last time I could do anything I wanted with him.

"Riley, what's going on?" He asks as we separate. I take a deep breath, ready to spill everything.

"We're not friends, Lucas. We can't- we can't do this unofficial thing anymore I'm sorry." I say and let one more tear cascade down my pink cheek.

"What?" He asked in a hurt tone and more so confused. I shook my head.

"I love you, Lucas." I say. I grab his face and kiss him passionately. The kiss is long, but not too long, but perfect.

I separate from him and give him back his jacket. I give him one last kiss on the cheek and run. I run.
-

That day I said goodbye to my first love. Of course i moved. I couldn't stay at that school and see them. See them holding hands, kissing, I couldn't.

I spent my Junior year in California. New high school, new people. I made friends, I became popular but I never wanted popularity. I had 2 close friends, Allison and Tessa. I miss them, but it's good to be back.

Wrong. I regret coming back. Seeing his face again brings back memories. Emotional damage is what I had gone through for weeks.

When I left, I didn't say bye face to face to some people. I wrote letters to everyone I care for and everyone I love.

-
Dear Lucas,
I'm sorry. I have to leave. I know that my explanation isn't very good, but I promise we'll see each other again in another life time. I want you to know that I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle what I knew was coming. And I'm so sorry.

Maya told me she loved up, she said she cared for you. She said that you're able to make her happy, make her laugh. She feels comfortable with you. I couldn't see you with her. I know it sounds selfish but I couldn't take it. I couldn't see the person I love, loving someone else. I love the both of you, know that.

The pain I suffered when hearing her say all those things wasn't healthy but then again: That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

Lucas I'll miss you. I'll miss you a lot, actually. Keep being the hero that I know you are. I love you.
- R
(ps, don't show this to anyone)

+++

That day that I was leaving was the one of the hardest days. I was crying, obviously. I had to leave everything behind.

I'm back now, but in pain. When I got back, the first thing my mom did was open up her bakery: Topanga's. I was walking down the streets of NYC and I saw them.

They were holding hands and walking to somewhere. Maya was giggling and Lucas kissed her cheek softly. I thought I had gotten over him, but I was lying to myself.

I looked away and decided to try my hardest to survive my last year of high school.

I can do it. I have to.