pain ☹☻ {r.m + l.f}

twelve•

"The truth? What do you mean?" He asks furrowing his eyebrows. My  shoulders slump a little. "Can I come in?" I ask politely, not wanting to sound rude. He bites his bottom lip softly and looks at me. his eyes glowed an illuminating green which were more mesmerising than anything i had ever seen. 

"Why don't we just talk out here?" He says, closing the door. I furrow my eyebrows this time, confusedly. I heard voices in side his home, they were loud and corrupt. "Is this is a bad time?" Our conversation was just question after question now. It was like we couldn't even have a normal conversation. 

He scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah, sort of. The team and I-" 

he didn't have time for me, was basically what he was implying. I backed away one step, feeling like something had just hit me hard. "Sorry." I simply said.

"Don't be sorry. We'll talk tomorrow." He says one last time and shut the door as he goes back into his house. I let out a choked sigh. And the feeling keeps aching in my heart. Repeated over and over again until all i felt was this numb feeling. 

I guess I won't actually know what happiness is.

-

"farkle?" i said through the phone, my voice obvious with hurt. "riley? whats wrong?" he asked, concerned. i let out a sigh. "i need to tell you something. but you can't tell anyone."

"riley, if its serious i have to-"

"no!" my voice raised. "y-you can't." my voice was shaking, my hand was shaking. i could practically hear the 6 words in my head, over and over again. it was in my head and repeated like a mantra.

he. doesn't. have. time. for. you.

"Please Farkle, j-just come over." I insisted. He sighed, loud enough for me to hear clearly. i guess thats another person who doesn't want to see my face either.

-------

"you love him." he says, not hesitating for even say second. i look up at him, not saying anything. "riley, you love him. you've always loved him." he says, grabbing my shoulder and reassuring me. i dont say anything or smile. i just keep my head low.

"tell him." he says again, taking his hand off of my shoulder. my face flushes with worry. "excuse me?" i ask, my voice visible with annoyance from just those 2 words. he chuckles dryly, "you heard me."

"yeah, and I'm not going to tell him." i say with no emotion in my voice. "I've learned to except that I'm just worthless. i mean, everyone seems to put maya before me. and... thats okay."

"what do you think I'm doing right now? i care about maya, i really do. right now we're talking about you. i care about you riley, i always have." he says reassuring me. i dont know to give a soft smile or to give him at least a soft look. so i settle for nothing. not looking at him, not even trying to respond.

"i just-"

"you want maya to be happy blah blah blah. i get it. riley start prioritising yourself for once. do us all a favour." his voice itching with the slightest amount of  irritation. enough for me to hear clearly.

"us?" i ask tentatively. "oh come on. Zay , smackle, josh. dont tell me you haven't noticed us dying from you not making a move."

"farkle, he has a girlfriend!" i exclaim loudly. the truth was that he loved maya and maya loved him. that was that. that had to be why they're still together. 

"yeah, and his girlfriend so happened to have a thing with me!" he loudly announced.

A moment of silence.

my breath hitched in my throat. i stopped breathing, but soon started again knowing i didn't want to die just yet.

"oh my god. you and maya?" i asked. my mouth wanted to keep asking questions but i somehow couldn't ravel them up together. it didn't make any sense to me. i mean maya hadn't shown any sense of romantic feeling towards farkle, but then again it was maya.

he sighed, not looking at me this time. "she kissed me, for an insanely looooong amount of time." he said recalling the memory. my mind went blank. i looked at him and blinked several times, unable to say anything.

"you guys made out while she was still with lucas?" my voice somewhat sounded strangled. "does lucas know?" farkle shook his head a second after i asked. i couldn't help but think that of lucas found out what he would do to farkle.

knowing farkle, he would have been living in guilt all this time. they were best friends, probably brothers now since they were so close. 

"wow, i missed a lot." i said, draining everything he just said to me in my head. "what about you and smackle?" i ask another question. i couldn't stop myself from finding out everything.

"we were taking a break. school work was stressing us both out." he answered. i couldn't get the image out of my head. him and maya? come to think of it, they actually make a cute couple. he cares about her, she cares about him. but would i know about love?

"you should tell him. lucas, i mean." i say, this time smiling for real. "excuse me?" he repeats what i said earlier. "I'm joking. i'll keep your secret if you keep mine." i say holding up my pinky.

he shakes his head. "riley you're dying inside. I'm not going to let that keep going on." he puts on a sincere face. i gulp down any tears that wanted to come out and made sure i didn't have one tear drop from my intensely tired eyes. i drop my pinky and clutch both my hands together. 

"farkle you're hurt as well. some girl doesn't just kiss you and forget about you, moving on with the same guy she cheated on." i state. he rolls his eyes. "I'm fine." he lies. lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. i guess because i was so close to farkle i could sense that he was lying straight away, just like he can sense when I'm lying. 

"sure you are. my deal still stands." i say smugly. he shakes his head. he gets up from the bay window where we were sitting.

"no thanks, it isn't going to hurt me when you tell lucas about me and maya. its going to hurt you because its going to hurt him. therefore i sort of have a win - win in this situation." he tugs the window open reflexively.

"how so?" i ask confusedly, staring at him with my nose scrunched up. 

"because. if i tell him you still love him, he'll confess his love for you and you'll all live happily ever after. maya can admit to having more than platonic feelings for josh. i can be with smackle. no one gets hurt."

"yeah, except me! what if he says he doesn't love me back? what then?" i ask before he was nearly out the window.

i sounded incredibly selfish, it was so out of character for me. i would never say or admit that it would hurt me. I'm supposed to be riley matthews, daughter of cory and topanga matthews. i can't be hurt. or sad, or feel any sense of pain. thats just how I'm supposed to be. 

"i guess we'll see." his voice echoes in head. 

i guess we'll see.

. . . 

well yes I'm alive and this chapter was really bad but i promise it will get better. also, sorry for having some parts of the story fully undercapitalized and some part of it not. i recently started typing on my mac instead of my iPad and idk whats going on. xoxo