pain ☹☻ {r.m + l.f}

eleven•

"Why didn't you tell me that you and Charlie were together?" Lucas asked as i stepped closer to him in the uncertain cold weather. I widen my eyes at him.

"We're not together." I state as truthfully as ever, he releases a bitter chuckle for no apparent reason. "You were just sucking faces with him." He says in such a mean manner.

"That's none of your business." I retaliate. He shakes his head. "It kind of is since you're one of my closest friends." I roll my eyes. "Friends, right." I mutter, he furrows his eyebrows at me.

"If you were one of my closest friends you would stay out of this." I say as there is only a little space between us now. He lets out a frustrated sigh and looks at me with disappointment.

"Why won't you accept my help?" He asks with a bit infuriation. "Because maybe I don't need it!" I shout so loudly that i feel like everyone in New York city can hear me.

I try to walk away but he grabs my wrist pulling me forward which causes me to do something i would never do.

I throw a punch aiming for his jaw but end up not even getting the pleasure of punching him. He catches my fist making me surprised as ever.

He still grabs on to my fist and inches his face closer to mine. "Don't ever do that again." He says one last time making me breathless before walking away, leaving me.

Why is life so hard?

-

"Why are you even here?" Maya asks me as i stand in her doorway. I take a deep breath, scared that if i say the wrong thing she's going to hate me even more. I don't even understand what i did wrong in the first place. Is it that I've been "stealing Lucas from her? That's impossible because all he wants in life is her. Nothing more, nothing less. Her.

"I want to know why you hate me." I flat out say. She hesitates for a moment but then opens the door wide for me to step in. We sit a good distance away from each other.

"I don't hate you," she says "I could never hate you."

Those words sound so fake. It doesn't sound real at all. It sounds like she's lying all over again. Why can't i just have my best friend back without any questions asked?

"I just thought since every time I'm with Lucas, you sort of get mad." I say as I don't dare meet with her eyes. I can feel her glare piercing my brain.

"I'm jealous. There, are you happy? I admitted it. That's what you wanted all along, isn't it?" She says all angered. It's like she thinks she's feeling all the pain. I lost my first love to her, yet she's feeling all the pain. My selfishness has overtaken me so much that I don't care that Maya's in pain. I'm in pain, after all this time.

"Why would you be jealous?" I asked. I probably knew the answer deep down but it's a million chance that Lucas would see me more than a friend.

"Because he looks at you like he always used to. with passion and happiness and... and love." she says the last words quietly but I heard her. i heard what she said. love. love is such weird thing to look people the way at. how could he possibly still look at me like that? i left him and i left everyone. i destroyed everything.

Can I be forgiven for all the things I've done to get here?

I don't know. I don't know.

please.

"Maya he love you." i insist to her. she shakes her head. "if he loved me, don't you think he would have said it by now?" i was purely shocked. i had thought they said their i love yous ages ago. it felt like they did, the way they acted around each other.

"i just thought..." i started saying something to fill up the awkwardness but of course i failed. "but he's said he's loved you, heaps of times, right?" she asks. i could see hurt visible on her face. i could see Maya Hart, the girl who just wanted to be loved.

"only platonically." i said truthfully. she sighed. "and what about before you left?" she asked once more. its like she wanted to know every single thing. she wanted to know what love from another person felt like not platonically or from family members, but from someone who loved her more.

i thought about it. "I'm not sure he ever meant it." i replied truthfully. we sat in silence after that. we just sat there no talking. there was just the quietness around us. killing our souls as we speak.

"I'm sorry," she apologises. "but this time i truly mean it." i raise an eyebrow. "you didn't mean it last time?" a smile curls up to my face. she smirks. "only half." and i let out a laugh. i didn't let it affect me. there was nothing to be affected about. she had apologised and this time it did in fact feel real.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that i hung out with Lucas so much that it was threatening your relationship. I'm sorry that I'm i came back only to ruin things again. I'm sorry-"

"you need to stop saying sorry so much when haven't done anything wrong." she implies.

"sorry." i say once more.

she smiles to herself, having given up on me already. "I'm jealous because he looks at you like I've wanted him to look at me for as long as I've known. but its never happened and I've learned to accept that." she admits. i feel as guilty as ever, but why? i don't know. i don't know.

"I should go." i say from the feeling in my stomach. i somehow felt so guilty that i started feeling sick. she nods her head, and i leave.

-

i knock on his door scared of near death. i could hear footsteps coming down and i stared down at my shoes. I'm not ready for this.

"riley, what are you doing here?" Lucas asks as he raises an eyebrow.

"to tell you the truth."