The Lucky One (a Star Wars fanfic)

Chapter 8

Anakin's pov

As I was killing Shawn, an image of my mother popped into my head. I saw her standing there, smiling at me, causing me to feel so many emotions, making it impossible to continue what I was doing. As Shawn's body fell to the ground, disappointment flashed across my mother's face. Afterwards, she faded away for the second time.

What could it mean? Did she want me to kill Shawn? If so, once again, I have failed her. If she wanted me to be strong, then I have disappointed her, something that she had probably gotten used to. Why can't I do anything right?

Feeling like such a failure, I drop to my knees and begin to cry.

As I look at Shawn's limp body, my mind plays a cruel trick on me. Instead of seeing his body, for a few seconds it is my mother's, reminding me for nearly the thousandth time that I could have saved her. Once again reminding me that I am such a failure.

A few seconds later, I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder. Instead of comforting me, his touch makes me feel ashamed. Something awful might have happened to Rider, yet here I am, crying from simply seeing my mother again.

"Go away," I whisper as I quickly wipe away my tears, not wanting him to see me like this.

I am a Jedi! I'm supposed to be seen as one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy. How could anyone see me that way again if they caught me on my knees, crying my eyes out?

"No. Even though things have been difficult ever since you arrived, mostly because of me, you refuse to give up on me. After everything you have done for me, I couldn't even imagine leaving you here to face whatever this is on your own" Rider says in a firm tone, that, despite my sadness, causes me to smile slightly, so glad that he is a part of my life.

While I cry, he just sits beside me in silence, his presence giving me the comfort in need to fill the deep hole in my chest that my mother's death has created.

Thinking about her causes me to cry even harder.

Why?! Why did she have to leave me?! I bet that she was thinking something along those lines when I left her behind to become a Jedi. If I had just stayed with her, she might still be alive. Her death is all my fault. If I hadn't been so selfish and just stayed behind, I would still have her in my life.

"Anakin!" Rider says sharply in a raised voice, immediately breaking me from my thoughts.

"Why d-did she ha-have to die?" I ask in a whisper between sobs, feeling so broken and empty inside.

"I-I don't know. I don't know why she had to die... I don't know why anyone does," Rider says after a few seconds of silence, just like me, sounding very choked up.

He clears his throat before continuing, "What I do know is that you did the right thing. Becoming a Jedi was the best decision you could have made at the time. If you had stayed, yes, you would have been with her, but for how long? Eventually, you would have been sold to the next person, unable to see her again. It is awful not being able to see the person you love most, but at least you are free, something that you should never take for granted."

I know that his words are supposed to make me feel better, but they don't.

"I could have saved her if only I had done something sooner. I could have kept her from-," my voice breaks at the end, the effort of trying to control my pain and the sobs that are threatening to escape becoming too much.

The hate and deep sorrow I feel towards myself because she gone, if fills me up inside, blocking out everything good in my life.

As I sit here, wallowing in my misery, the dark side reaches out to me for the second time today. I weakly push it away from me, too hurt to deal with it right now, but it doesn't seem to care about the way I feel.