I Tried So Hard (Kellic)

I Tried So Hard- Chapter 14

                We all were frozen in place; just staring at each other not saying anything. I immediately got this feeling of fear and anxiety rush through my body, I didn’t know what I was gonna say. I mean the picture was clear as day, there was no way I could come up with an excuse for this. Vic finished pulling up his pants quickly and looked over at me with this blank stare on his face. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking or feeling. I just kept glancing back and forth between Matty and him; I was so dumbfounded at the situation I got myself into. Matty reached for his wallet on the dresser and picked it up then proceeded to walk out the door hastily. I was still stuck in place for a second, I couldn’t even think. That’s when Vic pulled me out of the shocked state I was in.

“I’m gonna go.” Vic said bluntly walking past me not even giving me a glance. I put on a pair of pants and grabbed my jacket not caring that I didn’t have on a shirt and tried to catch up with Matty. I ran down the steps and headed out the dorm building. When I got out the door I saw Matty instantly, it wasn’t that hard to spot him with his ginger hair.

“Matty! Wait up!” I was out of breath but I managed to get those three words out.

“I’m gonna be late for my coffee date with Brittany.” He said with this dull tone in his voice not looking at me just staring straight forward with a blank face. Why was everyone having a blank stare? I mean I know it was extremely awkward but I think they’re being a little over dramatic or at least that’s what I told myself in my head to make this situation seem a little better for myself. Matty and I should just talk about this; and I don’t know why Vic is acting weird I’m the one that has to explain to Matty the situation.

“Fine I’ll walk with you but we need to talk.” I said catching my breath and walking next to him at the same pace.

“Okay…” he awkwardly said.

“Alright, Vic and I weren’t doing what you think we were doing. Well we were.. Wait, what do you think we were doing?” I was rambling, I just wanted everything to go back to normal; kind of sweep it under the rug but I was saying all the wrong things. I decided that I was just going to try to calm myself down and then try to talk to him. We walked in silence for a couple minutes and it was the most awkward I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt myself getting more relaxed, I was ready to try to talk to him again but just as I was about to open my mouth he spoke.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He mumbled under his breath. I didn’t say anything for a second; I was so scared that I would say the wrong thing so I took a deep breath first.

“I don’t know... what was I supposed to say? I’m Kellin and I’m gay? I didn’t even really know I was gay or even attracted to guys in any sort of way before Vic kissed me.” I shoved my hands in my pocket and began biting my bottom lip, it was something I did a lot when I was nervous.

“You could’ve told me…I thought we were friends; I thought you trusted me. We’re roommates, I’ve always been there for you so I don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me.” He said. I could hear by the tone in his voice that he was a little hurt as well as annoyed and I didn’t want that.

“I’m sorry… I was confused in the beginning and when I decided to see where it would go and if the feelings I had for him were real; I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know for sure in the beginning. If it didn’t work out or I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted then I would’ve just wanted to forget about it.  You have been a good friend to me and it’s not that I don’t trust you, I do trust you. I just needed time to process this all. I was scared because I haven’t told anyone so the thought of actually telling someone and not knowing their reaction was scary for me. In all honesty I was scared in the beginning to the thought of me being gay because before this I’ve only dated girls. But I know now and I’ve never been happier in my life. I’m also glad that you know now because you’re my friend and I want to be honest with you so…. Matty, I’m gay.” I said that last sentence with confidence. It was the first time I ever said that out loud and to anyone. It felt good, like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.