I Tried So Hard (Kellic)

I Tried So Hard- Chapter 18

                Ever since I had that little fallout out with Taylor I haven’t seen her and she hasn’t tried to see me. It’s been about three days since then and I’m assuming she went back to Michigan. I haven’t seen Vic besides in Trigonometry but he sat all the way in the front and didn’t even glance at me once. I tried to talk to him a couple times but he just would walk faster or try to catch up with his friends that way he wouldn’t have to talk to me. It was quiet clear he was avoiding me. This is only adding to my suspicions that the night in the stairwell was him actually breaking up with me. At this point I don’t know what to do because if I actually do talk to him then he could just confirm the break up but if I don’t talk to him then I can just keep hope that we are still together and he’s just pissed for now. I don’t know, I’m just confused and overthinking, like usual. I mean I’ve had a lot of time to think about it and once I stopped being angry  I was able to think rationally and when you put breaking up and lay lowing beside each other, laying low doesn’t seem like the worst thing in the world. Now I just have to tell Vic.

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                I’ve spent all day looking for Vic and it seems that when he doesn’t want to be found he won’t be. I even waited by his classroom doors and still somehow he found a way to slip by without me noticing. Now I’m sitting outside the dorm room and its 11pm so he should be here soon since he made new dorm rules about curfew.  It was getting cold and I was just about to give up until I saw him walking towards the building with his head down, it looked like he had headphones in. When he looked up and saw me, he stopped right in his tracks and took the headphones out of his ears.

“Why aren’t you inside? It’s past curfew.” he asked.

“Because I was waiting for you.” I said getting up off the ground.

“Go inside. I don’t want to have to report you and I can’t be seen giving special treatment.” He started walking towards the door.

“I just want to talk for a second.”

“I don’t have time for this, Kellin.” He began to pull the door open but I pulled his hand away.

“This is the only time I can talk to you; you’ve been avoiding me all day.” Apart of me was telling me to just walk away. I just wasn’t having a good feeling about this anymore.

“Yeah, so?” his whole demeanor was telling me he was definitely annoyed.

“So why having you been avoiding me?” I asked.

“Because.” He reached for the door again but I stepped in front of it so he couldn’t grab it.

“Because what?”

“Because, now move.” he rolled his eyes.

“Because what?” I got louder.

“Because I’ve been trying to find a way to break up with you! Happy?” as soon as he said that the anger left his eyes and guilt filled its place.

“No.” I felt the tears building up in my eyes.

Yes.” He said quietly looking at the ground. “It’s for the best. I’m sorry.”

I didn’t know what to do or say. So I just moved out front the door and he went inside. I stood there for I don’t know how long but I know it didn’t take but seconds after he left for the tears to start and once they started it was hard to stop.

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                I don’t know what time of the day or night it is, I don’t what the date is, I don’t know what the day of week is. I think it’s pretty much safe to say I don’t know anything anymore. I just told myself to forget everything I know because everything I know is wrong or a lie. The only thing that made plausible semse right now is that lying in bed for the rest of my life was acceptable and the right thing to do. If I had to guess how long I’ve been lying in bed I would say about 4 days or 5 days but it felt longer, so much longer.  Matty would bring me food and try to cheer me up but it wasn’t successful. I told Matty everything, I kinda had no choice because I was lying around, crying, not moving out of the bed, feeling sorry for myself, and anytime Vic’s name was mentioned I just started to cry even more. Even a blind person can see those are signs of being dumped.

“Dude, you have to go to class today. You can only miss a certain amount of days before you fail the whole course.” Matty said. I couldn’t see him because my head was under the covers but I could hear him moving about.

“I haven’t missed that many.” I muffled into my pillow.

“It’s a been a week. What are you gonna do, lay in bed for the rest of your life?”

“That’s the plan.” I said.

“No.” Matty came over a ripped the covers off me.

“Well what else am I supposed to do?” I squinted and put the pillow over my face because the light was so bright.

“Forget about him and move on.” He began throwing a pair of jeans and a shirt at me.

“How am I gonna do that when I have to see him every day? We live in the same building.” I got up and sat on the edge of my bed.

“I don’t know. It’s not gonna be easy but you can’t just lay in bed forever.” He gave me a sympathetic look.

“I can’t do it. I can’t face him. When I think about him I start to tear up, what do you think is gonna happen when I see him?” I’m not in the right state of mind to see him. What the hell am I gonna do? I’m an emotional train wreck and one of those walking around isn’t good. We’re very unpredictable. Matty didn’t say anything he just kept looking at me with a sympathetic look. “I’m gonna go home.”

What?” Matty asked.

“Yeah, I’m gonna go home. I mean winter break starts in a couple days I’ll just get an early start. I can’t be here around him I’ll lose it and I’d prefer not to make an idiot of myself so I’ll just go.” I got up and put on my clothes quickly then went to my closet for a bag to put some clothes in.

“You’re gonna come back right?” Matty asked. I turned around and headed to my dresser to grab some clothes.

“Uh.. yeah. I mean all my stuff is here, I’ll have to come back.” I know this was an impulse decision but it was better than having an emotional breakdown in front of the entire campus and I can bet that’ll happen if I stay here.

“I mean to stay. You’re coming back to stay and finish school?”

“We’ll see.” I grabbed my TOMS and quickly slid them on.

We’ll see?” His facial expression changed. It looked like he was worried.

“Look, I just can’t be around him right now. I want to clear my head so if I get home and decide it’s best to stay there then I just might. Matty I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough. Nothing is set in stone so don’t freak out, I’m not saying I’m not coming back and I’m not saying I am.” I grabbed my jacket and put it on then started looking for my keys.

“Fine, but just really think about it. Don’t just not come back because of him, you have friends here and we love you.” He really didn’t want me to go home and not come back, I could tell by the tone in his voice. He was a little sad.

“Okay.” I said.

“And call me when you make a decision.”

I walked up to him and gave him a quick hug then left the dorm. I already felt at ease to the fact that I was leaving because when I’m home I don’t have any chance of running into Vic. Every bone in my body wants to knock on his door and beg for him to just give us another chance but I know that my mind is in long gone, at least the logical part of it. If I do anything that my mind is telling me to do right now I’ll regret it once I do get over the initial shock of the break up, so to stop myself the only thing I can do is flee to my comfort place, which is home with my family. Even though they don’t know I’m gay I can still go back without having to tell them why I’m back. I’ll just say I’m back for winter break and when I decide to stay- If, I mean if I decide to stay I’ll just… I guess I’ll deal with that when we get to that point.