SAMCRO Girl

Loss

I just kept falling, as much as I wanted to stop it , I was being dragged away from my baby again.
"Liv, liv, wake up" I heard a voice, they were dragging me back, my eyes shot open. I was sat upright cradling Sophia's empty blanket.
"Where's my baby?" I sobbed to the silhouette standing next to me
"Liv, she's gone, two months now, remember we found her, we tried everything but it was too late" I could now recognise the voice, it was Juice, but now the realisation had hit me I was back to The reality where my baby had died, my sweet little girl had died, the worst part is,I couldn't even hold my baby, when she took her last breath, she was covered in tubes and nobody predicted that she would give up but she did.
"No....no I want my baby" I cried to Juice, he knew deep down all I needed was to be held, and that's exactly what he did, he jumped next to me and held me in his arms. It almost felt safe. I Normal. Almost.
The next morning was hard, I knew I had to do it but it was really difficult. Donna had come around to help me, we sat on the bed in silence before Donna decided to speak up
"Hey, Liv you know it does get better, it never goes away, the pain will always be there but you live with it, it gets better" she said placing a hand on my arm, I trusted her, she had lost a baby, years ago I trusted her more than ever.
"I'm hoping so" I said teary eyed, as I started packing Sophia's clothes into boxes, I picked up a tiny onesie, it was pink and had kittens on it, I remembered Shane bought it for her, he died knowing I was pregnant, he wanted it to be a girl so he bought her this and kept it a secret. I bought her home in it she was a small baby and it hung off her but it was the only thing she had from her father.
"Hey, we're gonna start putting this all upstairs" clay poked his head around the door snapping me out of the trance I was in, reminding us that the guys were going to come and collect the boxes, we weren't going to give everything away just yet, but I couldn't keep them with me, too many memories.
"Right that's the last box, how about we go get a drink" I said, I was trying to be positive, I knew one day that the pain will be a distant memory, don't get me wrong, I know it will always be there but it will get easier.

We all trecked down the stairs, tired from all the lifting. me. i was drained from everything, i felt like someone had ripped my heart clean out of me. it was the worst pain, but i knew everyone else was going through something similar, they had all lost a part of their lives and it was devastating. The younger children didn't understand, after we found Sophia we all thought she was going to get through it all so we chose not to let the children see her in the state she was in.

As we walked into the lounge Tara was stood with Abel he was bigger as well and was starting to come into his personality, he was four months older than Sophia but he was not that much bigger when we first arrived due to a premature birth. Tara had stood there looking hurt, she had that look in her eye i knew she blamed herself, but i knew it wasn't her fault, as much as she blamed herself it was not her fault. Jax made his way toward the fridge and got three bottles of beer, passing 1 to me and 1 to Tara, everyone by now had a beer in their hand i knew i had to break the silence, it was deafening. "To Sophia-Ashlee, my little angel baby" i said raising my bottle, fighting back the tears.   
"To Sophia" everyone chimed in in unison. i peered over to juice he was struggling to fight back sadness, Sophia's absence had hit him hard, he spent every night at the hospital for the two weeks she spent in there, and he , like everyone else, believed she would pull through. i would say he believed it so much, he wanted it to happen so badly.

"it's not your fault you know" i whispered over to Juice, forcing a smile     
"i could of been there for her, for you, if i hadn't hurt you the way i did, you might of..."
"NO!" i interrupted his sentence causing everyone in the room to fall silence "this is nobodies fault but those Assholes who thought that snatching an innocent women and two kids was okay, IT wasn't anyone's fault that they failed to tend to my daughter, ending her life, Stop blaming yourselves because i don't blame you, you all tried to find her, help her, the only people i blame, are the son of bitches who stole my baby and left her in a stingy house with two bottles a day, those are the real people to blame" Tears streamed down my face as everyone stared at me, i could feel my cheeks gong red at the realization that everyone caught me in a 'breakdown' moment, having nothing left to say i walked out the front door and strolled down the lot out into the street. i needed fresh air, i needed to feel free. It had been two months. Two whole months since i had left the club house. Two whole months since my walls had crumbled around me.

i was walking for twenty minutes when i wandered into the cemetery, Joe the funeral director was standing at the entrance, it was in that exact moment i knew what my heart needed.
"Joe!" i shouted to him as i wandered over "Hey Olivia i'm really sorry to hear about your loss" he said giving a sympathetic smile "yeah i was wandering can you do her a funeral?" Joe nodded in Acknowledgement "like tomorrow?" "Tomorrow?" he questioned my eagerness "Olivia you need time to plan.." "NO i need to set her free, set me free, i'm serious Joe, i'll pay you however much i just want her buried tomorrow, the funeral home have her body i just needed to pick a date and i pick tomorrow"
"Okay, okay, look i have a cancellation at 1:45 pm, there is a free spot, right next to her daddy's" he said pointing to the tomb stone that made everybody aware of Shane's death, and now will be aware of Sophia's i nodded and thanked him slowly walking away.