SAMCRO Girl

Time to say goodbye

Today was the day. I was going to say goodbye. I've read so many things about how to handle grief, how to move on from the pain but there's nothing that i can relate to. I lost a part of my soul, My whole world was in that one tiny baby and now. Now there's nothing. The club has been great lately, Juice especially, but i feel like i'm hollow, there is nothing inside of me. I'm sure if you listen closely you can hear every crack of my heart. Every time i move something else breaks. The only time i get a break is the hour or two i get to sleep and even then my dreams...They are not dreams they are empty on the good days. On the bad days all i see is her. my baby and there is nothing i can do, I cannot force myself awake, i keep getting pulled deeper and deeper and I can't breathe and....and.....

"Livvy" I snapped out of my thoughts, being dragged back to the emptiness "Olivia!" The door swung open and there standing in the door way was a figure, It wasn't Juice that was for sure

"Opie?" i questioned, he had been MIA for the past few months and now he was here. I think.

"Liv, i'm sorry" he said, his voice was cracking, I knew he was having a hard time, I knew he had lost a baby when he was younger i knew out of everyone he understood my pain, my agony. I mean my mum, She lost Thomas but it was different, in a way, Thomas was with them up until the moment he died, I didn't see my baby, Opie didn't see his baby. We didn't get to hold our children in their final moments and that tore us apart even more.

"Come" i beckoned for him to sit on the bed "does it get easier?" i asked, my eyes filling up with tears "Will i be able to be me? Can i get an ounce of my old self back?" i asked i couldn't bear to live with this pain any more

"Easier? No" he answered bluntly whilst putting his arm around me "but for me there was a moment, i knew i had hit rock bottom, i knew i was hurting, but i decided if i wasn't going to feel this pain, the pain of loosing the one thing that i loved then i wasn't going to feel anything" he looked down at me his eyes looked empty

"And?" i questioned him curiously "did it work" he stared at me

"For some time, yeah, but then i looked at myself, I was killing everything and anything, Shagging everything with a pulse , i just didn't care who i hurt or what i did. I didn't care" he paused and stroked my hair "then one day, years later after two more children, Jax bought Abel home, He had survived everything that was thrown at him in his little life and i knew, i knew that there was something good in this world. So. I let it all in again and i made sure that i did everything in my power to make sure i was the man i was raised to be"

"so" I paused as a tear escaped my eye "It's okay to hit rock bottom, i have to let everything in?" i questioned as tears escaped my eyes more fast paced then ever

"Do what ever you need to just don't shut them out, you need to feel this pain, you will live and you will become what ever you set out to be" I hung onto each and every word that was coming out of his mouth, it felt like I was getting permission to let myself fall "but Liv, the difference between you and me is there are plenty of people in the next room who will break your fall and hold you up, I..." He paused for a second gathering his thoughts "I shut everything out, including anyone's efforts to help me, you can't do that, you need to let them catch you when you fall, don't push us away" i knew this to be true, I couldn't push anyone away, as much as I wanted to just shut myself down, I couldn't. I needed something to focus on. As my thoughts ran free in my mind I felt the extra weight on my bed shift, Opie had stood up and was planting a kiss on my head "I'll see you in a bit" he said walking towards the door as I shot him a half smile to thank him.
I slid off my bed after a while of endless staring into darkness and I grabbed my cardigan slipping it into my bear arms, I wanted to go see the guys before I started getting ready. I began walking towards the "lounge" in the club house, it took longer than usual but I eventually walked in, the room full of noise started to get quieter and heads spun to face me
"Darlin' we got an hour before the funeral, are you gonna get ready?" Jax's voice sung out as i turned to him and smiled
"Yeah I just" I paused looking at everyone's faces, there was a twinge of sadness that fell onto everyone's face "I just wanted to say thankyou" I said "this was hard on all of you as well as me, and you all stayed strong for me and that...that was the thing that has kept me going" I said letting a lone tear slip out of my eye as Clay stepped forward grabbing my hand tightly
"We're your family, there is nothing we wouldn't do for you" he said in his hushed voice as I smiled towards the club who all nodded their heads in unison as a sign of appreciation. Finished with my short lived speech I turned around and headed back toward my room and stared at the outfit that was hanging on my wardrobe, a knee length black dress, strapless, it wasn't tight fitted it was loose and flowed, I had a black cardigan to cover my arms and a pair of black tights along with black kitten heels. I applied my makeup and neatly did my hair before putting on my tights and a black strapless bra, I stepped into my dress and held it against my boobs attempting to pull the zip up at the back, failing miserably
"Need some help" a voice echoed from behind my door, which was slightly ajar , I turned around to see Tig standing in the gap in my door I smiled at him and turned around replying with "if you don't mind" I heard his footsteps and felt his hand pull together the top of my dress before he pulled up the zipper, I spun around and got pulled into a tight hug
" you look beautiful" he said loosening his grasp "we are about to leave, Gem and the doc are waiting in the car for you" I nodded as he walked towards the door before he left he hesitantly turned to face me "I'm sorry Liv, this should have never happened" I half smiled at him
"There's nothing we can do to change that" he nodded, his eyes saddening, he looked up one last time before walking out the door. I slipped my cardigan on and my shoes, grabbing my clutch bag I made my way to the parking lot, all the SAMCRO guys were on their bikes, there were around four charters there showing their support, I appreciated everything the club had done. I sat in the front of Tara's cutlass as she started the engine, we left the lot and at lest four dozen motorbike's followed in our direction until we came to the church where Sophia was being laid to rest.