constantly blooming.

[never again] - Lonely

 Fake smiles, plastered faces, uninterested laughs. The usual weekday. I would always make some joke, laugh, smile, or get comically angry but it was all a show. I've been more lonely than ever recently, starting with an... Interesting chain of events that began because I trusted someone a lot.
Never again; my motto.
Never again will I love someone so much it hurts. Never again will I trust someone so much I have to tell them everything. Never again will I write such an onslaught of tributes for someone who could care less. Never again will I fall for someone I can't get enough of. Never again.
It would have been fine if it hadn't completely spiraled out of control. It would have been fine if I hadn't been so dramatic. It would have been fine if she hadn't been so closed up. It would have been fine if our friendship had never crashed to halt. All of it would have been fine.
It would have been fine if my stupid mistake had never been committed in the first place.
I am so sad. I am so angry. I am so hurt. I am so jealous. I am so nostalgic. I am so stupid.
I hate her, yet I can't imagine life without her. I hate these stupid feelings of mine. I hate being a girl in a judgmental society. I hate being dramatic. I hate drama. I hate that bittersweet feeling. I hate everything about being in love with someone who ignores you.
I just want to stroke those smooth braids and push away the fly-a-ways from her perfect face. I just want to take her hands into mine, squeezing them. I just want to hug her from behind, surprising her when she turns and I lightly peck her nose. I just want to feel her cheek against mine as we hug. I just want to be able to take a deep breath and smile because she smells amazing. I just want to pick her up and carry her to a room.
And why can't I have these?
I'm lonely.