constantly blooming.

dropping

For years I fell
The darkness swallowed
Me up as I fell
Endlessly through
The bottomless
Abyss of life,
Mistakes, regrets,
And broken dreams

I started falling
Around the time my
Grandfather died;
So selfish he was
That he began smoking
Again and refused
Treatment, dying
Just days before my
Fifth birthday

I moved to America
And quickly grew distant
From the normal students
Maybe because I came
In the middle of October
Maybe because I was strange
Maybe because I barely knew English
As I was raised in Japan
When my family tried
To take care of
My cancerous relative

I transferred again
A few years later
To a public school
Where I was worse off
I made five friends
And several enemies
My four years there
Were distant and hazy
Only shaky memories
And small journal pages
Are my only records

Middle school was different
Albeit I had a girl
That I refused to let
Control me with her
Ridiculous 'popularity'
Status, I was the only one
Who denied of it's
Existence at the
Age of twelve
She tried so hard
And I ridiculed her for it
I cut my hair short that year

The hormones began piling
On when I was thirteen
Sure, I had already
Been through the good
Part of puberty but
It was only then I
Had begun to appreciate
Certain people
To become attached because
Of something unexplainable
Not looks, not gender
But confidence
And personality
I realized how open
My sexuality was that year

Fourteen was a trainwreck
I had fallen for
My good friend
A fiesty girl
Who was short and full
Of energy and the
Pressure from her
Incredibly smart and
Gifted older sister
She had rejected me
In the worst way possible
We still only text
To this day
That year I learned
The pain of heartbreak

Fifteen
I was a freshman
At a completely new school
Armed with only one
Friend and hope to
Redeem my crushed
Reputation and 'popularity'
At my old school
Ready for a new start
For a new life
To follow my heart
And make big strides
To a different
And more sure future

I found him
He was very different
From anyone I had ever
Liked before
Yet so horribly similar
To myself
I felt happy
I felt light
I felt like I could
Live a life I would
Only read in a twelve
Year old's dream
Fanfiction

I have everything
I have ever wanted
Friends, good grades,
A stable future plan,
And the most adorable
And loving boyfriend
Anyone could ever ask for
Yet I am still
Dropping like a boulder
Falling further into this
Pit of unknown
Depths of darkness

But the question is
What else could I possibly want
When everything I need is already here?