Love, Lies, Secrets and Manipulation (Divergent/Eric OC)

42. I Need Her Back

[Song: "Feels Like The End" by Mikky Ekko]

(Eric's POV)

The warmth of her loving body in my arms is what I've grown accustomed to when waking up each morning, along with the feeling of being perfectly content. As I lie here in bed on my right side, I wrap my arms tightly around her, then inhale a small whiff of her distinct scent—that perfect, captivating scent of hers that's seemed to linger everywhere.

With my eyes kept shut, I wait to hear a small, warm hum, or even to feel her lightly stir. Sadly, neither of those things ever happen. In the back of my mind, I know that's because it's not really her in my arms; it's just her lifeless pillow. She's not here with me at all, because she's gone. She left me.

But as long as I refrain from opening my eyes, it is her in my arms, sound asleep and perfectly safe, and everything is just fine; nothing is wrong. She's never going anywhere because she loves me, and she knows that I love her, and that she and I are meant to be together. We're perfectly happy, and nothing can ever ruin us or tear us apart. As long as I keep my eyes shut, all of that is true; everything is just fine, and my world isn't falling apart.

Soon, though, I remember: It's all just my sad, delusional mind playing tricks with me. She's not here because she's gone. She left me—lost, hurt, and alone— even though she swore to me that she'd never walk away from us.

I open my eyes and slowly get up, moving to the edge of the right side of my bed and setting my feet down to the ground. Soon, the torturous feeling comes rushing back to me, almost killing me. As I lean over and bury my head in my hands, my chest feels like it's slowly and painfully imploding. The agonizing pain once again consumes my entire body, leaving me not much strength to even breathe.

Several days ago my life made sense. Now, it feels like the end of the world has come. I've lost everything.

My loathsome behavior wasn't enough for just me to have to live with, but now, the person who means the most to me in this world is suffering from it as well. And I can't help but feel both guilty and helpless all at the same time, because I know that I'm the one to blame for her pain. All she wanted was to be loved, and treated right by me. All she ever asked for was that I never do anything to hurt her; but I failed her, in the worst way possible. No matter how sorry or remorseful I am, I don't think she's ever going to forgive me.

That heartbroken, distraught look on her face when she found out the truth keeps reappearing back in my head, and I just can't seem to get it out. It haunts me, day and night, and it doesn't seem to want to go away. I can be in the shower, supervising training, eating, drowning in a bottle of liquor—no matter what I do, I'm slowly suffering and deteriorating from the pain.

"It's over."

Her words and dejected voice haunt me over and over again, and every time those two pain-stricken words echo through my head, it seems to take another ounce of my weakened strength.

Never in my life have I ever felt this miserable, this lost. Never have I felt this type of agonizing pain and heartache. I wish I can go back to a time where I didn't know what any of it felt like, back to the time when I was completely oblivious to it all.

What tortures me the most is not knowing if she's ever coming back to me. I'm completely lost and miserable without her, and I have no idea what I'm doing. The truth is, I'm going absolutely crazy knowing that she's gone; all of this darkness and silence is swallowing me whole.