I'm Not Her

Chapter 29: I'm Not Anybody But Myself

Let me make this VERY clear okay? Yes, I'm not all cupcakes, butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows, I think we covered that through past author's notes and past replies to some comments I get. (Yeah, I'm really sarcastic too) But if you're bored with this book and you're tired of reading, pack up your shit, remove this book from your library, and leave because I'd rather have readers who are interested than readers who think, "oh this book is so boring, it needs to be more interesting, but I'm still gonna read because I hope this author gets her shit together and makes it more interesting" Well news flash, if you don't like it now, you're not gonna like it later. Anyways, after that I hope you don't think I'm a bitch and continue on reading this "boring" book :)

Chapter 29:

I don't know what force took over me when I told Zayn that I had moved on because the hurt look on his face made me want to take it immediately back. I thought he would make an outburst, turn red, yell or scream at me but he did nothing of the sorts. 

But I didn't know what surprised me more, the fact that he didn't seem to show that he cared that much or the fact that he asked, "Are you happy with him?"

I didn't know what to say. I looked into his hazel eyes, searching for something, for something to get me out of the confused state I was in. I opened my mouth more than once to say something, but I couldn't. It was true that I had really gotten to know Carter and I really did seem to like him. He was the type of guy that I imagine myself being with. Then here was Zayn, a man that I thought would be more Perrie's type than mine, but we ended up falling for each other unintentionally. Whether we liked it or not, it had happened. 

So yes, there was a part of me that wasn't willing to let Zayn go, but he had already let me go. He had shown it multiple times that he was still angry with me, that he was hurt by my actions, and I was almost sure he would never give me another chance, but at the same time he didn't deserve a second chance from me either. He hurt me with his words, his actions, and everything he did whenever I was in his mere presence. 

But was I happy with Carter? 

I knew the answer and so did Zayn, without me even telling him. 

"Alright," Zayn whispered, "I hope he treats you well."

"He does," I said.

"The tea," Zayn said, changing the subject and pointed to the cup in my hands, "was it good?" Sure enough, I had already drank the whole thing. I was a lot warmer now, changed into warm and dry clothes and having tea in my system. 

"Yes, thank you. I really appreciate it," I said. I noticed how stiff my voice was, how formal I sounded around Zayn. Had I really changed all that quickly? Was being myself harder than being Perrie?

"That's good," Zayn said. We both realized how awkward things were getting, how quiet we were around each other, and how our conversations were short and brief. Everything changed and I hated it, I just wondered if he felt the same way.

Zayn, aware of how quiet thins were, turned on the TV and flipped through some channels until he landed on some old movie from the early 2000s. We sat in silence and Zayn got up once to bring me another cup of tea. 

Silently, halfway through the movie, Zayn handed me a blanket and sat next to me. I draped it over the both of us. It was hard to pay any attention with him being so close. The mere presence of Zayn drove me nuts. I fidgeted, shifted, and slowly scooted away from him. 

"Do I make you nervous Pen?" Zayn smirked, not taking his eyes off of the screen. It was weird, him calling me by my real name. I was mostly just Perrie to him so him recognizing me as my own person just made me feel better, knowing that he knew who I was.