SOMETIMES

Understood, But Not

Sometimes we may reach a point in our lives when we start to cut. Now, to many people it seems pointless and illogical, trust me I was one of those, too. As I read in an article, those who cut do not do it because they attempt suicide, they do it just to have a physical pain that balances with the emotional one. That doesn't mean they don't have suicidal thoughts, but still, the reason isn't death. Let's be a bit subjective this time and talk about my case. I started because I simply hate myself. There are things I know I shouldn't do, but I do. There are what I know I should stop doing, but I don't. There are things I know which I should use them to "save" myself, but I don't. This is where the battle starts. I know why I do and why I don't do the alternative; because I can't change and break free of the chains the I grew up with. Take the "ticket joke" as an example. No matter how much you pray to God to save you from the economical troubles and win a lottery you can't win, or have a chance to, unless you, yourself, go and buy a ticket. Now I have been thrown so many darts at and wounded on my way to the ticket seller all along that I dare not step a foot out. Staying where I am which a wreckage of emotions and thoughts is not such a pleasing place to be, but going out hurts too, right? How do I get an armor to protect myself with to actually go out? I have tried dozen of them, they all got broken, and all that was left for me was to crawl back into the wreckage. And here I am there, hating myself to be so hopeless that I cannot make an armor myself, nor I am brave enough to step out without one. If I can't fight others out, then why not fight myself from inside?
I do understand these, but I don't understand why these are the way they are, or why I am the way I am; unchangeable? Many many things aren't clear to me. That, I guess, means I don't understand myself.......do you? Because all these don't make me even cry. Not even writing this makes me feel anything, all that's there is emptiness, like a blank page. But cuts, well.......