Looking for an answer.

Chapter 2

It all goes back to where I was on third grade when I started getting fat, at first it was all okay, you just a little girl growing up. When I got to my fourth grade I was fatter and I hated it because I did had a big belly. And kids at school would make fun of me and say that I’m childish and ugly. I remember that when my grandparents pick me up from school sometimes we would go to the super market and we would see this people that are obese. My grandfather would called them manatee’s and then he would say to me that if I kept eating chocolates and junk food that I would look like them. I’ve never had the greatest relationship with my parents so I never told them.

At first I ignore him but then he would tell it to me most of the time and make jokes about it, like bad jokes that would hurt you feelings. One day he moved his cheeks and ask me what where those and I said I didn’t knew, then he told me that was my butt; I never got that joke but I like to believe he said it because I was fat. I remember one day I asked my mom why he does that and she told me she didn’t knew, that I just had to ignore him because he was an asshole. But she didn’t knew that I couldn’t anymore even though I try, all those word were already in my head.

I remember I used to wish someone came and killed me or something happen that I wouldn’t be part of these family again. Sometimes I even thought of cutting myself with a scissors I tried once but I didn’t cut that deep. Then I tried starving myself , I did it for a while; I never really kept count…

Then I tried throwing up but it didn’t work either, I just couldn’t make myself do it. Since 6th grade I started having problems with my friends, the truth I don’t think we were even friends I just liked to believe it. I think I never really had friends when I was little, just people I hang out with sometimes. When I entered middle school that’s when it really hit me, that I didn’t have friends. And the ones I considered them, were mean to me and made lies about me, so one would like me. Plus I was starting to have problems at home.

While on my 6th grade I got my first stain of blood, I remember I was in the middle of the hallway and I told my friend really excited and she ask me if I had a “kotex” and I said no and she said that I should ask my mom. The truth is that I was excited because I thought I was a big girl but at the same time I was scared cause I didn’t knew what to do. So I called my mom and told her and all she said that it’s probably nothing, that I shouldn’t worry about it and I didn’t. when I really got my period that I had like a “cascade” coming out of my vagina, I told my mom and she called; literally she called ALL of our family members and her friends and told them that I had become a “Señorita(Ms.)”. Apparently all the mother do that because my friends told me their moms did the same thing, like I get it, it’s something big that means that your daughter is growing up but at the same time it’s the calling of hell. I called like that because I’m one of those girls that gets It really bad, you know I get a lot of pain, stomach pains, etc. But yeah I still don’t get why you have to tell it to the whole country. Whatever.

Long short story my 7th grade wasn’t that good because I was bullied by my suppose “friends” and I was really fat. That’s all I have to say. 

On 8th grade I was really excited for that year because it’s graduating year. And I was thinking about joining some sports. I wanted to get into the soccer team, but ended up on the softball team. While been on the team I made friendships and I got to see I was a really naive girl, and I guessed that was why I didn’t had friends. I don’t know. But there were some big problems at home. My parents started fighting all the time and they were talking about divorce. I was really broken inside and part of me wanted it to happen and the other part wasn’t. That year I got to know more a girl I met last year Kelly and she really helped going trough my parents problems, and that’s when we became best friends.

That year too I noticed that my dad didn’t really cared about me getting to sports unless it was one he liked. And that really pissed me off, because my grandparents( grandfather) would mocked me by telling me that my cousin made the volleyball team and that she cook and she cleans and blah blah blah. And to make it better(sarcasm) my parents did the same shit.

In other words Middle school it’s a really weird place and it sucks but you get to have a good time, most of it. It’s the place where you get to know more about your body that you would want to, it’s when you start liking boys and start to think about your future outside school. When that year was ending I developed a crush on a junior guy. It wasn’t any out of the ordinary, it was more like passing the time. When graduation came it was cool, I felt pretty and big. After the ceremony ended I went with some friends to the city in a limo. We stop in some beautiful places and we took picture, we heard music, and drank soda. By that time it was cool. When we got to the bay the limo driver stop and we all got out and took a picture of all of us standing there.

When I look back to all those pictures I see myself smiling but I know that I really wasn’t happy. When your happy you’re supposed to feel joy, I’m not gonna lie I do have some good memories , but I don’t think I really felt that much joy. Except on graduation day. Those two year of middle school really opened my eyes to what might was going to happen in my years of high school and for some reason I couldn’t be more excited for it.