Going Back to Get Away After Everything Has Changed

Ch 1: I've Seen Love Die Way Too Many Times When It Deserved To Be Alive

CHAPTER 1: I've Seen Love Die Way Too Many Times When It Deserved To Be Alive

JOSH FARRO'S POV

"I understand now, Mom. It took me more than 25 years but I finally understand. I always --well me and Zac at least-- thought that we were the reason this happened. That us not being here caused this drift. That maybe we could have changed something. We didn't know. We could of prayed as a family hoping that somehow God will mend us back together again. But that didn't happen. We were out there having the best experience we could only thank God for in a self-indulgent way, while you were suffering. You and Dad were suffering and I can't help but feel guilty about all of it. Like it's all my fault --our faults." I mustered out.

My head down, I was waiting for some sort of response. I wanted to look up and face my mom, but I couldn't. That guilt I felt all those years ago hovered over me once again. There was no response, though. Maybe I should continue.

"But it wasn't our faults. For a long time, I used to believe God had this righteous plan for all of us. But I don't believe that anymore. That wouldn't correspond with free will. He just watched over us as we make our own plan and our own choices. But He knew what we were going to choose. It wasn't God's plan for what happened between you and Dad. That was between you guys. Maybe the Holy Spirit came down to influence our moods, to not make it something worse. That was the only cosmic intervention we had. And it's okay. But there was no intervention for me and Zac. Maybe we refused the Holy Spirit by all our negativity and self-pity. We thought it was our faults. And just by having that perspective changed the course of our lives forever. We did that. Not God." I choked out the last two sentences. My eyes started to burn and this speech I cried days over creating in my head suddenly overcame the feeling of actually saying it out loud.

"I took it all out on the person who never deserved all of that negativity inside of me. It's been eating me alive all this time, and I tried my hardest in repressing it. I excluded her and Taylor and Jeremy from my life. Every single part of it. And now I realize that I've been such a douche in doing that. And for what Mom?" I looked up to face Mom. Tears were streaming down my eyes as I tried to find the right words to say. But what I was saying was nowhere near what I originally planned to say days before. It was taking different directions. But nevertheless on how disorganized my thoughts were, it seemed to flow perfectly.

"What do I have to show? I thought I was becoming a better person through God and prayer but unconsciously I was becoming a bible thumping conservative prick whose personality was deteriorating each passing day. I did that to myself though. No one told me to believe what I chose to believe in, but somehow I thought it was for some greater cause but it wasn't. And I feel like such an idiot for that." I stopped. Introspection is the worst, and I wasn't ready to start delving into that.

"Mom... I'm here to tell you that I understand that it was out of my control of you and your Dad's divorce. Because that's how I feel with Jenna. Yes Mom, that's why I'm here. She filed for a divorce a few weeks ago. I haven't told anybody. Until today. To put it simply, she fell in love with another man. For years, we didn't have a connection anymore. And they hung out together but I never thought anything of it, until the day they told me of their affair. As much as I hated him Mom, the way he looked at her... I never looked at Jenna that way. I knew that look, you only give that look to that one person you have a connection with. I gave that look before. I understood that man. How can I hate him for irretrievably falling in love with my wife? I know that feeling, and that's the sickest thing to know. I want to blindly hate him but I am burdened that I can't. Is that God speaking through me? Am I finally receiving the Holy Spirit? Then why do I feel so damned? I'm taking this in a mature way, but it feels so wrong within me to do so. Is that how you felt Mom? You had kids to break this news to; I don't have that responsibility. It is a good thing because it won't affect their life like it affected mine. But it feels so wrong because I have no life to affect. And in a twisted way, I wish I did. But just to say I had kids. Nothing more than that."

I was unaware of how much I was crying. There was tear stains on my dress shirt. I tried to dry them off, and then I noticed the time on my watch.

"Mom I have to leave now. I got a divorce meeting thing... I needed this though. It felt good to vent before the painful hours begin. That way I can get this all of off my chest... This whole winding song is finally coming to its end."

I stood up to shake off the grass and the numbing feeling in my legs. "It's hard writing music, especially composing the next song that can top the song that encapsulated the longest and biggest part of my life."

I wiped the last tears from my eyes and grinned hopefully at Mom.

"I hope you like the flowers, I'll make sure to get your favorites next time. Because the next time I visit, your son will be changing for the better. I promise you."

I looked at the grey stone cross that represented a light hearted spirit comforting me for the past hour. The cross looked back at me. It did not portray Mom at all, but the soft breeze that embraced me at that moment did.

"I promise."