Freeing Myself

The Nightmare -Trigger Warning

Author's Note

**Trigger Warning**

This short story contains very graphic detail about self-harm and suicide. I want to make it very clear that I do not find these things acceptable, and that if you are depressed, self-harming in anyway, or contemplating suicide you NEED to talk to someone. Anyone. I also want anyone reading this to know that they can message me at any point if they're feeling this way.

National Suicide Hotline Prevention

1 (800) 273-8255

Self-Injury Safe Alternatives

1 (800) 366-8288

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The dream is dark and twisted. It's a product of my worst fears. I'm standing on a balcony, knife in hand, yelling as loud as I can. No one acknowledges me, and no one looks up. I stand there tears pouring down my cheeks and soaking parts of my long brown hair. I dropped to the floor regardless of holding onto the balcony. I couldn't contain my heart break. I was shattering into a million pieces right in front of these people and no one cared. No one could hear me.

I stood up calmly, and an eerie wave of nothing washed over me. I wiped my face with my gloved hand, and straightened out my flowing gown. The other hand held the knife tightly. I looked out at a room full of all of the people I love and felt nothing anymore. I climbed up onto the balcony railing. I was shaking from being up so high. I cleared my throat, and ready to make a speech no one would hear.

"I love you all so much," my voice shook and broke with each word, "I've called out to you, and tried to make you hear me. I've tried so hard to make sure that you all knew exactly how much you meant to me." I stopped the tears were trying to over flow but no one would notice. Even my words were falling on deaf ears. I took a deep breath and forced myself to continue. "And even though you don't hear my goodbye now, just know I still love you all."

I took the gloves off slowly and one at a time, very careful. I took the knife and pushed it deeply into the skin on my wrist pulling down towards my elbow. It was painful, but I have been through worse than this. I slowly and carefully matched the long red mark on the other wrist. I stood there watching the crimson crystals roll down my hand and onto the floor. I start to cry again. This is the end. I feel faint, and my eyes start to close. As I start to fall off the railing I hear it. Laughter. They finally saw me.

I woke up in pain, and crying hysterically. I wrapped my arms around my legs in my curled form, holding myself together in the darkness. My phone was lighting up. I ignored it and continued to let sadness wash over me. I let the fear pull me into a place I had never imagined I would end up. I was questioning my strength, and all of the things I had always known about myself. I was falling apart.