Freeing Myself

Spark to Start the Fire

It was a spark. Nothing more than that, it was just one little flickering of light that vanished almost as soon as it happened. I couldn't shake it though. My mind would float back to that little spark constantly. It had become the center of everything I did. It was my greatest joy, and my greatest pain. It started with a pair of beautiful, brown eyes and ended in earth shattering tears on the floor of a kitchen.

My first true love was a rollercoaster of trying to grow and change. I don't know if it was so much on her part as it was on mine. I wanted to be different because I knew she deserved it and wanted things that I wasn't able to give her. That's how all first loves go though. They set the bar for every relationship that follows. They help you to grow and figure yourself out. She was good at that. She could push buttons like no one else, and still frequently does.

"Whatever you say" she said on the phone in the most patronizing voice she could manage. It made my face burn with irritation, and I rolled my eyes without a thought.

"Oh it matters what I say now?"

"You know what I meant; I just don't see the point in arguing it. You're going to believe what you want to believe" her tone was calm and even. She was officially done with the conversation. I wasn't. If there was one thing I needed her to learn, it was for her to realize when I need her to express emotion. Whether she is good at it or not was another story.

"You're right there's nothing to argue about, and besides I have to go anyway. I have plans with Anthony".

"Okay Aislynn, have fun".

"You too, have a good day, Jade. Bye". I hit the end call button and threw my phone on the bed in frustration. Then her ringtone went off on my phone, a text. 'You could have at least waited for me to say goodbye back'. I text back a quick response about having to get dressed and already being late, and then continue to my closet to get clothes. Her ringtone goes off again, and I ignore it. She can wait until I'm done getting dressed; it's not like I don't already know how this is going to go. I slid into my black skinny jeans, and black tank top. I slid on my off the shoulder Nirvana top and leather jacket. I complete the look with black flats.

I grab my phone off the bed and my purse out of my closet and read the text. 'Ok. Be safe'. That was it. I told her I will and proceeded out the door.

"Don't wait up for me; I'm going out with Anthony, call if you need me". My sister Rose nodded in response, although I'm not sure she actually heard me. She was engrossed in the television. I pull out my phone and text Jade about how frustrating she is and her response was almost immediate. 'That's me.' Anthony pulled up and I got in his car.

"You look irritated".

"I am. Jade is being herself." I put my seatbelt on and prepared for the repeat of yet another conversation.

"I can't stand her. You should've dated Eric like I wanted you to". He pulls off from the curb and we start heading to our favorite mall.

"Eric is definitely a guy, Jade is definitely a girl. What's the difference there?" I knew I was being a smart ass, but I couldn't help it.

"I can't stand you". He laughs loudly. The rest of the car ride is mostly him talking about his hectic love life and me just listening quietly trying not to say too much or too little. Jade texts me again. 'What do you want for Christmas?' I roll my eyes. She knows the answer to this question. I text back and catch Anthony's disapproving look from the corner of my eye.

"Got something to say peanut gallery"? I felt quite sassy all of a sudden.

"I wish you two would make up your minds already. If y'all wanna be together just get on with it. Just make sure I sit in the front at the wedding". I rolled my eyes and looked out the window. I've thought about being married to her. We both talked about it. It's a distant memory now though. I felt a sharp pain in my chest, but ignored it. There was no point in any of that now. We rode to the mall in silence the rest of the way, minus Anthony singing Beyoncé at the top of his lungs.

We walked into the mall and there she was. Jade was standing there hand in hand with her new girlfriend. Everything in me said to walk right back out the door, that I wasn't ready for this. I honestly wasn't even ready to see Jade. The problem was that her brown eyes locked with mine, and everything went still. I couldn't hear Anthony talking to me, or see any of the shoppers around me. I didn't even see her girlfriend anymore. This was bad.

They walked toward us and I smiled and waved. Jade gave me a hug, and I shook hands with her girlfriend. Anthony just glared at Jade the entire time. We all exchanged short and polite conversation. When it was done, Jade gave me a hug again and my whole body was surging with electricity. I wasn't the only one though. Her whole body relaxed in my arms and I found myself holding her longer than was probably appropriate.

"Jade, you should probably go. You can text me". My breathing was out of control. The minute she let go the world snapped back into focus and it was as if I was living without a leg. She smiled at me and said she'd text me. I watched her walk away, and exhaled slowly and closed my eyes. Anthony rushed over to me asking a million questions.

"I'm fine, Anthony. I promise". I forced a smile and walked out the doors of the mall. Anthony took me back home because he felt like I needed some alone time. I didn't. Being alone was the last thing I needed, but I also did want to be alone with my thoughts and memories. Then I got the text, 'I love you Aislynn. I know I suck at showing it. But I do'. I love you too, Jade. That's all I know. It isn't just a spark. It may have started that way, but this was an untamable fire. I was getting burned. Bad.