invisible ; malum [completed]

20

a/n: hello another update from moi

by the way,, thank you all for reading and commenting, it makes me want to update a lot more often but i can't cause i gotta slow updates down a bit, so updates will be coming every three to four days :))

songs i listened to while writing:

talk me down - troye sivan
don't say anything - sleeping with sirens

» michael

I definitely have feelings for Calum.

I'm not gay.

Those two sentences tore at my mind for hours on end.

Calum and I didn't go farther than we usually do, but this time it was different. We both felt it.

I couldn't be gay, it's not right.

But Calum is gay, and you don't mind.

I couldn't control his life, but I could control mine.

After what seems like hours, I had led Calum to my room, and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. I had lied beside the slumbering boy and stared at the ceiling.

I still haven't went to sleep, and that was four hours ago.

I bite my lip and hold in my frustrated screams, fisting at my hair.

I finally swing myself out of bed and see that the song Calum wrote me is still in his jeans pocket, which he stripped down from a few hours before.

I sneakily grab it and read it for myself.

As I keep reading, my eyes water, and my tears drip onto the piece of paper.

You're going to hurt him. Again.

I swallow the lump in my throat and put the paper back in the pocket of his jeans. I undress myself and look at my reflection.

"You are not gay. I am not gay," I whisper.

I stare into my own eyes for a few moments before shaking my head and finding clothes to wear.

I pull an Iron Maiden singlet over my head and skinny jeans over my legs. I slide my feet into my trusty black boots and grab my headphones along with my phone.

I look to Calum and decide to let him sleep since my mother is out of town for the week.

I am gravitated towards him and just look at him in the purest form.

I examine his closed eyes, resting peacefully. His mouth is slightly open, and his chest heaves with each breath. His hands are under my pillow that he stole from me, but I didn't mind. He was curled into a fetal position, making the illusion that he was smaller than he actually was. His briefs clung to his beautiful thighs and hips, and his black long-sleeve shirt rode up his stomach, showing off his flat stomach.

I sigh heavily and plant a kiss on his temple before leaving my house.

I put headphones in my ears and plug them into my phone's audio jack. The song "Fallingforyou" by The 1975 starts flooding my ears.

I exhale deeply and stuff my hands into my pockets.

I needed to tell Calum why we couldn't be together, I could at least give him that.

But I couldn't. I have never spoke of it since I was twelve and didn't plan on it.

Eventually, my walk circled back to my house, and the sun has been above the horizon for quite some time.

Maybe Cal is awake.

I go into my house and see a sleepy Calum starting to walk down the stairs.

"Hey, where've you been?" he asks groggily.

My heart thumps at the sound of his voice, and I tell him, "I just went on a walk."

He nods and rubs his eyes.

"C'mere, princess," I say, holding my arms open. He practically falls into my embrace and buries his head in the crook of my neck.

I don't know why I call him that; it just suits him well.

He mutters, "Love you."

I immediately tense up and demand, "What?"

I feel him pull away from me abruptly. He looks me in the eye.

"Shit, I didn't mean like 'I love you.' I meant like... Fuck it, I love you, Michael. I don't care if you don't love me back, but I love you and all your virtues and downfalls and perfections and imperfections. I love you so much, and I have for quite some time.

"I love that you can make me laugh when I'm sad, and I love all of the words that tumble out of your lips, and don't me started on your lips.

"I just love you, Michael Clifford."

I fall down and start to sob.

He can't love me, he just can't!

He kneels down beside me, "Mikey..."

"Don't 'Mikey' me right now. You don't love me, you just can't!" I scream at him. I stand up and look around, needing to take my anger out on something.

I soon find my fist splintering the wood of the wall and hear a gasp sputtering from Calum's lips.

My violent behavior should warrant Calum leaving. Nonetheless, he stays and holds me to his chest. He runs his fingers through my fading hair and murmurs sweet nothings in my ear.

"I hate myself, Cal," I weep.

"Don't do that," he nurtures, still holding me to his chest. He pulls away and grips my shoulders. His brown eyes meet mine.

"You're amazing, alright?"

I bite my lip and avert my eyes quickly, avoiding confrontation.

"C'mon, let's go get something to eat," he says, picking up my car keys from the counter.

I nod and let him take my hand and lead me to my car. He opens the door for me and holds my hand the entire way.