BROKEN HOME :: OT4

je suis désolé

Chapter Thirteen: je suis désolé

When the door is shut close behind Michael, he runs straight upstairs; with his face as red as the t-shirt he is wearing, he storms in to his room and he slams the door. He wishes it disconnected from the wall because then maybe his cries would be over-shadowed by the noise.

With his hands on his head, he crouches down to stop the world from dancing around him; he doesn't remember when it first started, the world going against him. Just when he thinks one of his problems are solved, another one follows almost as if they are best friends.

Without even knocking, Calum comes in and takes a seat next to his friend and pulls his head on to his shoulders. He doesn't understand why the boy is so nervous when he is not even guilty; and once again, he can feel tears soaking up his t-shirt but he doesn't mind. What he does mind is why the boy isn't saying anything.

You see, Michael is a hard person to love, to deal with; he has this mood swings and attacks he doesn't like to title as 'panic' a little too often for it to be normal. He is stubborn, and stands by what he says no matter what.

Some days, he doesn't feel like talking, and even though he wants to, his vocabulary is not wide enough for him to express what he feels in words. Sometimes, he doesn't go to sleep; he lets his thoughts consume and although he knows it is wrong, he doesn't mind it.

But worst of all of them, he over-thinks. Oh, does he over-think the smallest things. When Tyler doesn't say good morning to him, his heart skips a beat because he gets this feeling that he is doing something wrong.

When Calum doesn't give him a smile as he passes by, he searches through his mind to find out what he has done. Because it is always him. In his eyes, nobody makes mistakes except him. He is messy, and he doesn't understand why Calum doesn't mind it if he stains him. His shirt. His body. His soul.

And now with his head resting on Calum's shoulders and the Maori boy's arms around him, he wonder what this DNA test will mean. His heart is torn in to two. 

One part wants to get arrested; he believes, although he has no blood on his hands, that it is his fault everybody here is involved. When was the last time Calum went to school? He doesn't even remember. It must have been two or three weeks ago, because he sees him everyday.

He sees him everyday and hates the fact that he doesn't mind the boy's life is being ruined because of him; he hates how selfish he is, most of the time, always telling people what to do and not what to do. Maybe if they lock him up, he will finally understand what it means to go by the rules.

However, the other part of him wants to live a normal live; he wants to live a beautiful, maybe with a family if the time is right, and he wants to visit places. He wants to go to Rome, and Paris and Brussels and even Amsterdam. He wants to experience all of it with whomever is kind enough to accompany him.

"What are you thinking about?" Calum asks softly as he brings Michael's hands in between his and warms them up. They can over hear Tyler screaming at his students and oh how they feel bad for poor Ashton, who happens to have a hard time being shouted at or when he is picked on.

"Amsterdam." Michael answers and Calum shifts slightly to see if the boy is actually serious. Michael raises his eyebrows before shifting to sit across Calum, with his back pressed on to his bed's leg.

"Seriously?" Calum chuckles and the boy smiles along with him, nodding his head to assure him that he is serious. "But, why Amsterdam?"

"Because they have lots of sex shops there." The answer comes so quick, it almost sounds like a proper, natural thing to say. Calum just laughs at the statement, before continuing. "That's a good one but, I mean it would be cool to visit places like Montreal or Sofia?"

"Okay, now you are just ruining the vibe." laughs Michael, taking a good look at boy who changed his worry to a genuine laugh in less than a minute. "Do you think they will find something?" he asks, because it always goes back to what is bothering him, and Calum is glad that he did.

"I don't know." the brunette answers before sitting on the bed and motioning Michael to come along, "But whatever they will find is going to help us with the case." he is confident when he speaks and that scares Michael to the point where he would want the bed to swallow him.

"I don't want them to find anything out." he answers as he gets under the sheets and Calum joins him. It is after a dead moment of silence Calum raises the question, and when he does, Michael almost tells the truth for the first time to anybody of what really happened that night.

"Why Mikey? Why are you so worried about this if you haven't done it?"

"I can't say. I promised I wouldn't say." he answers before burying his head deeper on to the pillow. "I trust you Cal, with everything, but not this."

And Calum doesn't know what to feel, because it must be something deep. It is his turn now to over think, but he knows his limits. Whereas Michael doesn't.