blindsided

•chapter fifteen•

i lounge on the couch, typing away on my laptop, trying to finish this stupid project. it's not due for another month but i don't want to procrastinate. today is the day ronan was supposed to have his final fight, and instead he's out with holten to distract himself from what could've been. we went out yesterday but he had to cut the date short after he got a phone call from someone. i didn't want to intrude so i didn't ask any questions. i also haven't talked to bonnie since we went to get coffee, she keeps calling and texting but i refuse to reach out to her.

it's around six so i decide that i should order a pizza. i call pappi's and order a mini cheese pizza that only consists of four slices. through the past couple weeks, my food consumption has remained the same. it's been a lot better since i've met the boys, but i still am not eating regularly. ronan has told me that it's not good that i eat so little, but he loves me all the same.

a few minutes later the doorbell rings and i pay for my mini pizza, thanking the delivery boy. i then place myself back on the couch and shut off the lights, the only source of light is from the tv-which is playing my favorite christmas movie "elf"- and my laptop. i wrap myself up in fluffy blankets with winnie curled up at my side as i type and munch on a piece of my pizza.

••••

i am woken by the sound of my phone ringing. i peel my eyes open and groan as i rub my eyes. what time is it?

the tv projects the menu of "elf" and my macbook signals that its out of battery. i place the laptop beside me and move the pizza box which still holds three pieces of pizza. the house is dark and no sun is shining through the curtains letting me know it's late at night.

i search for my phone in the jumble of blankets and end up finding it tucked in between the couch cushions. i turn it on and the time reads 3:08 and says that i have a total of seventy eight messages from condos and holten. i call condos back, the dial tone rings only once and condos picks up.

his breaths are short and choppy. "nicolette. " he chokes out my name, panic evident in his voice. i am now sitting straight up and on high alert.

"condos?" my ragged voice asks. i clear my voice and try again. "condos?"

"nicolette, i- i'm so sorry i knew this would happen but i didn't say anything and- i just- oh god it's bad nic i need- please help. " he stutters and i could tell his mind is racing just like mine.

"condos what are you talking about?" my heart rate picks up as i dread the anticipated words, not ready for them to fall from his mouth.

"nic it's ronan. i need your help. "

••••

right after i got condos' call, i rushed out of the house and straight to the pit. my mind and heart alike were-and still are- racing, hot tears pouring down my face.

when i got there, i was met by holten and condos trying desperately to hull ronan's body into the car without hurting him. his clothes were torn and bloody and his nose was crooked, looking as if it would fall off at any given moment. both of his eyes had black circles around them and his blood was oozing from everywhere. two of his ribs were punctured through his skin and his body was slouched in the grasps of holten and condos. i let out a straggled cry as i ran towards them. i didn't know if i should be frightened, incredibly worried, sad, or angry, but i helped load him into the car nonetheless. heavy snow had already started to fall and the roads were icy, causing the car to slide all over the road.

i am now sitting in the waiting room outside of the icu with condos, holten, and bonnie. i refuse to meet any of their eyes with my own. my knees are pressed tightly against my chest, my arms wrapped around them as i stare at the white hospital wall. my gaze is blank and the dried tears streaking my face begin to itch. the clock ticking on the wall reads 8:04, which means that ronan has been undergoing surgery for more than four hours.

the stale smell of rubbing alcohol and bleach fogs my sences more than they already were. frantic nurses in scrubs shaded in an odd blue color run from room to room, every so often a monotone voice breaks through the intercom. i used to despise hospitals. i hated the way the entire place had this aroma of death and sadness, and now here i am, experiencing one of the two. for now.

my heart is shattered and i don't know whether to feel sad, let down, extremely anxious or angry. ronan lied to me. i should be crying. why wasn't i crying? no more do the salty streams flow freely down my cheeks as they had just an hour ago. i am worn out and my eyes are droopy, but not from the lack of sleep.

"nicolette," a weak voice breaks through my subconscious. i nod my head up slightly, acknowledging that i heard them. my eyes are still glue to the wall as the shaky words come ot of one of the boys mouth. the tears making it hard to tell which one. "i'm sorry"

sorry for not telling me. sorry for knowing all this time and still not letting me know what was happening. sorry for keeping this secret and putting their best friend in danger. i know what emotion i am feeling, and it is breaking through the surface loud and clear. i'm not just angry, no, i'm pissed. i scoff at the voice and slightly shake my head.

"no," my hoarse voice gets out. "you're just sorry you got caught."

and with that, my eyes were directed back to the wall. a stoney expression.

••••

"ronan kole. " the nurse called and all four of us stood up. the nurse raised an eyebrow but didn't do anything to stop us as we made our way into ronan's room.

i walked in, still no tears streaming down my face as i looked at ronan's limp body. we all gather around his bed.

condos and holten were silently crying, bonnie was sitting in one of the chairs with her head in her hands. as for me? i was standing right beside ronan.

his bruised eyes fluttered open revealing the green orbs that i had once fallen in live with. once. maybe i never loved ronan or maybe i'm just so heart broken right now, but i'm just done.

"nicolette. " his rough, scratchy voice croaks. he reaches a shaky hand out for me. that's when the salty tears began pooling in my blue eyes. i pulled my hand out of his grip.

"you lied. " so much venom was behind my two words. everyone lifted my head to see what i would do next.

i did the only thing logical. i turned around and i walked out of the room forcefully. i held my head up despite the tears flowing freely down my face.

goodbye ronan.

••••

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