Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 1

Something - Escape The Fate

Hey, it's Calum...

I made him mad again. I didn't meant to. But now he won't let it go. 

Like come on Ash, just pull an Elsa and let it go, let it gooooo. 

Okay, all jokes aside, I'm pretty upset now. He just kept screaming at me until I finally went to my room, locked the door, put on some music, and shut him out. That probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I did it anyways. 

He should be happy I didn't just walk out of the building with a massive "fuck you". 

I honestly wonder why I'm still putting up with his shit, but I guess I just love him too much to leave. He just makes me.. happy.. despite everything we go through. 

I know, I sound crazy but hey, love makes us do crazy things. 

He doesn't know I love him though. He's oblivious. He always says how he wishes someone would love him for who he is and not just because he's famous. He says he wants to mean something to someone. I always have to hold my tongue so I don't blurt out my feelings. 

I just want to shout "Hey, it's me. I love you, you asshole. I'm so in love with you and you mean so much to me." but I know he could never reciprocate the feelings so I stay mute. 

Sometimes I think he can tell I have feelings for him but he just keeps quiet. 

Can you Ashton? Can you see the feelings I hold deep down for you? If so, please let me know. 

We could be great together and I could make you happy. But then again, you'd probably be embarrassed of me and keep our relationship hidden. 

You've done it before. Keeping things we did together hidden, I mean. 

They weren't even intimate things or anything that could make you seem "gay", but you still kept them hidden. You wouldn't even tell Luke or Mikey. 

I honestly think I'm insane right now. I love you and it's making me so fucking blind to the shit you do. But dammit, I'd wait forever if it meant I had a chance with you. I'd wait months, years, hell I'd even wait decades. 

If only you could see I'm the someone you mean something to.

Love you Ash.

Love always,

Calum