Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 3

Shout At The Moon - Mallory Knox

Hey, it's Calum...

I went out for a walk today to clear my mind. I only had a thin jacket on so I was freezing my ass off. God it's fucking cold in America during winter. I mean, obviously, right? But whatever. 

I saw some cute couples while I was out. Maybe one day Ashton and I can be like that. 

God, I say "maybe" way too much, don't I? I'm pathetic. 

Maybe I'd be happier if I hadn't met Ashton. 

Maybe I'd be happier if I wasn't in the band. 

Maybe I'd be happier if I didn't feel like killing myself every once in a while.  

 Maybe, maybe, maybe. 

My whole life is just one huge ass MAYBE. 

Last night I did something bad. Like.. worse than I usually do. 

I was alone in my room and I saw the moonlight reflect off of it and I just thought, why not? What's the worst that could happen? Maybe I'd go too far and die. Ha. That'd be interesting. 

Death is but the next great adventure. God, now I'm quoting Albus Dumbledore. Whatever. 

Anyways, after what happened last night, I cried. Not because I was in pain but because.. no one sees that I'm in pain. And I don't mean the pain I caused myself. I mean, my emotional pain and just. 

No one fucking sees it or notices, or if they do they don't say anything. Do they even care at all? 

Hell, just ask me if I'm okay. That would be enough. 

Or maybe if someone would just hold me and tell me it's alright. That I'm gonna be okay. 

Like, just something. 

But obviously, no one cares about the boy whose skin doesn't match the rest of his band mates. 

I'm the only one here for myself. Might as well just stop expecting others to care. I'll just look after myself. 

You know, I can actually feel myself drifting from the others. It's not on purpose. I wish I could still laugh and smile with them like old times. 

But things change. 

People change. 

Everything changes. 

I'm just changing faster than everyone and everything else. 

Maybe if I change enough, Ashton will finally like me. 

Oh great, there's another damn "maybe". 

Whatever. I'm done for today.

Love you Ashy.

Love always,

Calum