Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 8

I don't exactly know how to do this but I guess I'll do what you did Cal.

Hey, it's Ashton...

I'm so sorry I yelled at you that day Callie. I honestly regret it and wish I hadn't done it. 

And Cal? 

I always said I wanted someone to truly love me for me because.. I was hoping you'd tell me you loved me like that. 

But you never did. 

And all those things I kept hidden? 

It's because they were special moments to me. I wanted to keep them just for us. 

You're my happy place and I didn't want anyone to get in the way of that and corrupt it. 

I'm sorry you felt like I thought you were an embarrassment. 

You know, I wish you hadn't started smoking again. 

I know we all have an addiction that takes away our pain, but I wish I could have been that addiction. Your addiction. 

Because god, you were mine. 

I noticed how bad you were getting Cal. Trust me, I did. 

I wanted to reach out and hold your hand, hold you in my arms, tell you everything is going to be alright. 

That everything will be okay. 

But I was afraid. 

I thought you'd push me away. 

You know, thinking back, I wish you had proposed to me when you'd asked me to join the band.

I'd always admired you and seeing you get down on one knee made my heart flutter as well. 

I hate that you hurt yourself Calum. 

You're so beautiful and I wish you had seen that. 

I'm so glad my timing was perfect that night. 

I don't know what I would have done if you were to take all those pills, Calum. 

I really wish I would have given you a chance. 

I just always felt you didn't want to give me a chance. 

You know, Bryana is more of a close friend to me than anything. 

I know you don't like her. But she adored you Calum. 

She knew about my feelings for you and she always tried to persuade me to admit them to you. 

I wish I would have listened to her. 

It makes me sad to know all those scars will forever be embedded into your beautiful skin. 

Yes, Calum. 

Your skin is beautiful even though you don't think so because it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the band's. 

I love it and it's just.. so beautiful. 

But the scars you made upon it, that I cannot bring myself to call beautiful. 

By the way, I liked how you looked with your head shaved. 

It was shocking at first, but it looked really good on you Callie. 

I also loved that night we spent together just talking and you painting my nails. 

Do you know how many sparks I felt as your hand held mine? 

It was like I was on fire. But in a good way. 

Everything you make me feel, Calum, is always in a good way. 

I wish so much that I could have been there to save you. 

I miss you so fucking much, you know that?

I just hope one day I'll see you again. 

Maybe not soon, but one day. 

And we can finally be together like we both always secretly wanted.

I've always loved you Calum.

Love forever, 

Ashton

*** The End ***