Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 4

Mixtape - Butch Walker

Hey, it's Calum...

Ashton finally started speaking to me again. All he said was "hello", but still, it was something. 

I don't know how much longer I can hold myself back before I just tell him I love him. 

Oh, he also said "good night". It really would be a good night if only he were sleeping next to me. He's still pretty distant though. 

I almost went too far last night. I found a bottle of pills at the bottom of my suitcase. I almost took them before I was interrupted by Ashton coming in and saying "good night", like I mentioned before. 

I'm pretty sure he saw the pills in my hand but he didn't say anything about them. It's like he can see my heart is headed towards a car crash and he just doesn't care. He's steering clear of me and all my problems, not wanting to be involved with the destruction. 

If only he knew he's the one causing the destruction. 

I'm forced to watch him touch and interact with all these other people and it feels like he's purposely doing it. 

To make me feel the burn. 

To make me see the one I love with those who can't love him the way I do. 

Oh, and you know what? 

I swear Ashton heard me crying in the bathroom last night after our performance at the Jingle Ball. He was giving me weird looks the rest of the night, but wouldn't say anything. 

God, does he even give a damn about me at all? 

Even as a friend? 

Hell, even as a freaking band mate? 

Oh, and we got to see the cast of Star Wars by the way. I was dressed as Chewbacca. 

Which I'm quite thankful for because my disgusting face was hidden. 

Enough about my ugliness and insecurities, let's get back to Ashton. 

I don't know why he's suddenly so distant from me. We used to be so close and would go on adventures and just do almost everything together. We had some good times, and even some bad times, but honestly those bad times aren't that bad in my mind. Especially compared to now. 

I remember in an interview or something we were doing, he kept putting emphasis on the word 'friend' when talking about me. 

Like, I get it. I'm just your fucking friend. It hurts to know that we'll never be more but you don't have to keep pointing it out. 

Even if I could just kiss Ashton once on the lips, that would possibly be enough. 

Just prove to him that I can love him the way he wants to be loved. 

God, just give me one chance. 

That's all I ask.

Love you so much Ash.

Love always,

Calum