Born To Quit - The Used
Hey, it's Calum...
So. It's been a few days.
And I've been thinking a lot.
I also shaved my head. I don't think anyone really likes it though. Whatever. I like it. That's all that matters.
Ashton and I had some close moments. He also took my advice and let me paint his nails.
I made them white with a grey center ombre and put sparkles on a few of his fingers. It looks really good on him.
He originally wanted to do black but I told him that was my signature color and he had to get has own, ha. That was a fun night.
Since Ashton and I have been getting closer, it feels like my feelings for him have slowly been drifting further away. Maybe I just wanted what I couldn't have.
Or maybe the fact he hurt me so much finally settled in.
I don't know.
I just know I don't feel so strongly about Ashton as I did before...
On the bright side, I haven't cut. Maybe I'm finally getting better after all I've gone through.
I still have the thoughts though, but I don't act upon them.
I also feel like I'm a bother to people.
The voices tell me to just stay to myself. To stop taking up things that other people need.
Things like space,
water,
food,
oxygen...
Whenever I take a shower, I see all the scars and marks I made on my skin.
It triggers me and it makes me wish I had brought one of my blades into the shower with me.
Maybe slice up my wrist a bit.
It is getting colder and longer sleeves wouldn't be that suspicious.
I already wear baggy shirts and jumpers because.. I've been avoiding eating too much.
I still eat.
But not as much.
And I can't let anyone know.
Honestly, I think I'm just rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying.
I feel like I'm hallucinating or something.
I'm going insane. I say that a lot. Wow.
Someone please, fucking save me from myself.
Do I still love you Ash?
Love always,
Calum
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Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]
FanfictionIn which Calum writes in a journal to get his feelings out. [a/n: I got this idea because I follow Calum on Spotify so I see what he listens to and lately it's mostly depressing songs or songs about heartbreak and I thought I'd write a fanfic about...