Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 6

Born To Quit - The Used

Hey, it's Calum...

So. It's been a few days. 

And I've been thinking a lot. 

I also shaved my head. I don't think anyone really likes it though. Whatever. I like it. That's all that matters. 

Ashton and I had some close moments. He also took my advice and let me paint his nails. 

I made them white with a grey center ombre and put sparkles on a few of his fingers. It looks really good on him. 

He originally wanted to do black but I told him that was my signature color and he had to get has own, ha. That was a fun night. 

Since Ashton and I have been getting closer, it feels like my feelings for him have slowly been drifting further away. Maybe I just wanted what I couldn't have. 

Or maybe the fact he hurt me so much finally settled in. 

I don't know. 

I just know I don't feel so strongly about Ashton as I did before... 

On the bright side, I haven't cut. Maybe I'm finally getting better after all I've gone through. 

I still have the thoughts though, but I don't act upon them. 

I also feel like I'm a bother to people. 

The voices tell me to just stay to myself. To stop taking up things that other people need. 

Things like space, 

water, 

food, 

oxygen... 

Whenever I take a shower, I see all the scars and marks I made on my skin. 

It triggers me and it makes me wish I had brought one of my blades into the shower with me. 

Maybe slice up my wrist a bit. 

It is getting colder and longer sleeves wouldn't be that suspicious. 

I already wear baggy shirts and jumpers because.. I've been avoiding eating too much. 

I still eat. 

But not as much. 

And I can't let anyone know. 

Honestly, I think I'm just rambling now. I don't know what I'm saying. 

I feel like I'm hallucinating or something. 

I'm going insane. I say that a lot. Wow. 

Someone please, fucking save me from myself.

Do I still love you Ash?

Love always,

Calum