Hey, it's Calum... [Cashton]

Entry 5

crushcrushcrush - Paramore

Hey, it's Calum...

Sorry I've missed a few days. I'm been... preoccupied and busy.. 

Ashton's with Bryana again. That's just fucking fantastic. He doesn't shut up about her either. 

Always talking about how perfect she is and how much he misses her even though they were together literally all day. 

Ashton hadn't even told us he got back with her. Or at least, he didn't tell me. 

Why would he though? 

I'm nothing. 

I had to find out by seeing the photos all over instagram and twitter. 

I have so much I want to say to Ashton. 

Like.. apparently Bryana cheated on him or something and he takes her back that quickly? 

Ashton there are better people in this world that won't do that to you. For example, me. 

But whatever. If you don't want to see the truth, so be it. 

Are you honestly even happy with her though? Or is it all just lies? I'd love to know. 

Also, whenever he talks about Bryana his eyes always flicker to mine as if he's worried or something. It makes no sense at all. It hurts so much, you know? 

Have you ever had such prominent feelings for someone but then you find out they really don't have any feelings towards you, despite how close they act with you and all the banter you have together? 

When I saw those photos of him with Bryana, I felt so crushed. 

That's why they call it a crush, isn't it? Ha. It all makes fucking sense now. 

Crushed. 

Crushed. 

Crushed. 

I was also angry. It's not safe when I'm as angry as I was yesterday. I don't take the anger out on others. I take it out on myself. 

Next thing I knew, I was in the tub. Surrounded by water that was tinted pink. 

I guess I cut too deep. 

I guess I cut too much. 

Four different places. 

I just didn't want to stop. 

I wanted to keep going. 

I wanted to keep going until all the blood was drained from my body. 

But I couldn't. 

My skin was already too irritated. I eventually got out and just put some clothes on, completely ignoring my cuts. If they get infected, let them. I don't give a fuck. 

After the boys had gone out for the day, I was finally able to check my cuts without the fear of someone walking in on me. My skin was, and still is, so fucking red. I guess they were still bleeding when I got dressed. 

I cut so much that just walking hurts. 

Or just laying down. 

Or just sitting. 

Hell, I don't even have to move and they fucking hurt. 

But I kind of like it. 

It keeps my focus on something other than my emotional pain. 

At least I can control this pain. That's why I do it, y'know? It's a pain I can control myself. No one else has control over it. Just me. I like that. 

But anyways, I got to see RJ earlier this morning. The tour dog. 

He jumped up on my lap and his claws dug into the cuts on my thighs, which is where the worst ones are and I yelped out in pain. I had to pretend to scold RJ for his sharp claws because the lads were staring at me weirdly. Sigh. 

I just hope no one finds out. They'd think I'm a freak. 

A disgusting pathetic freak. 

Which, I guess, I am. 

I mean, I get enjoyment out of slicing my skin open and watching the blood seep out. 

I'm so... messed up... 

No wonder Ashton could never love me.

But I love you Ashton.

Love always,

Calum