Sanity Siphoned

Ch18: Hell Hatred

Chapter 18

That Monday after school Julienne had to listen to her mother be more clueless then ever before. "I don't think that Nick boy is such a good influence on you." She started. "Someone who will alter their appearance that much can't be very stable."

Julienne sat in her mother's room while she got ready; they were going to the Gregory's for dinner. "It's his choice." She really didn't mind Nick's appearance; it actually looked good on him. "You're judging him based on his personal choice. He's really smart and a better influence then you know." She explained softly, she didn't want to be having this conversation but she owed it to Nick to defend him.

"You should really spend time with someone like Michael, now there is a well put together boy."

Julienne felt like screaming but instead she went for the deadpan sarcasm that came more naturally. "Do you have a crush mom?" if she only knew the truth; Michael was the worst thing for her.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Let's go before we're late." She stopped at the door and looked at Julienne from head to toe. "Are you sure you don't want to get changed?"

She stared at her mother and said nothing. It was bad enough she had to be dragged along, she didn't want to wear something to worsen how out of place she already felt.

The closer they got to the Gregory residence the worst her mood got. She went from indifferent to down right depressed. She was still upset about her last encounter with Michael when he so carelessly said he'd be dating but wanted to keep her as his dirty little secret on the side. Real gentleman that he was.

She was so far gone by the time they arrived she was back to staring at the floor to escape the reality surrounding her. She didn't care to look at the pity looks the grownups cast upon her. She was seated alone on the couch for a good ten minutes before Michael appeared.

"We need to talk." He announced and took her hand to drag her off to his bedroom.

No. The single word ran in a loop across her thoughts. She didn't want to hurt; she didn't want to hear what he had to say.

"I don't like you spending so much time with Nick."

Julienne stayed close to his door and opted to take a seat on the floor then to get too close to him and risk her judgment going out the window. "He's my friend." She whispered, wishing she was anywhere else in the world.

"I saw you together at the beach having a hell of a time. Did you even notice I was there?" Michael asked, he was angry.

"We agreed to keep it separate. You'd rather be hit by a car then have your friends find out you like having sex with me." she shook her head frantically and banged it against the wall behind her. "You'll never admit it."

Michael came and kneeled down where she sat. "Are you ok?"

She looked at him with tearful eyes. "You'll never want me, not all of me. I could forget it all, every bit of hurt and give us a real chance." It was hard to admit that, that the boy who caused her so much grief could also give her the most pleasure. She wanted that chance to be normal and have all of him.

"Julienne, don't do this." his expression was one of torment as he cupped his hands to her face, making sure he had her full attention. "We agreed nothing serious remember?"

She nodded sadly as her heart finished breaking into the last shattered piece. "Right."

"Are you ok now? I don't like seeing you freak out." She nodded again. "Ok then. Listen I don't like it but I won't ask you about Nick anymore. Just promise me there's nothing going on."

"Just a friend." She bitterly wished so much could be different, that she hadn't let herself feel for Michael and that someone amazing like Nick would've been the one she wanted. Life never did work out correctly; if it had she wouldn't be sitting there now in his room wishing the earth would take her away.

Michael looked away from her tearful eyes and dropped his hands back to his side. "I have to go. I promised the guys…." He didn't know what to add to that. If he was meeting the guys then there was bound to be girls vying for his attention and more.

Filled with self haltered Julienne stood from the floor. "I'm in your way."

"No! I didn't mean-"

Before he could say another word she was halfway down the staircase and back in the living room. She couldn't handle anymore of his lies. It didn't matter what he meant or said, he managed to find the best way to hurt her every time.

She took a deep breath and forced herself not to cry, to keep those burning tears inside before her mother saw. She couldn't handle any questions. She sat in the living room waiting for the evening to pass and they could finally go home.

It was about fifteen minutes of sitting alone unmoving that someone knocked on the Gregory's front door. Michael came rushing down the stairs to greet his guests; Cody and Marko. They spotted her instantly on the couch.

"Dude," Marko began with disbelief in his tone. "What is she doing here?"

"Our moms hang out, they're over for dinner."

"That sucks," the boy continued. "what do you do after, disinfect the whole house?" his crappy joke gained a round of snickers from Cody.

"Whatever. Let's get out of here." Michael said while grabbing his jacket. Not once did he cast a glance her way, nothing to make sure if she was alright or not.

But of course it didn't matter, his friends were around and nothing he shared with her mattered in their presence. She clenched down her teeth and used the pain as a focal point. There was no way she was going to break down crying, not in this place.

Dinner passed by at a snail's pace, each second was a slow gnaw of torture at her soul. She was ready to burst with fury by the time her mother finally allowed her some peace and they went home.

Her mother excused herself to make a call, Julienne nodded absently. There alone the demons she fought to keep at bay all evening started to scream at her. Clutching at the sides of her head she sank to the floor and had no choice but to hear their assault.

He used you and you know it. You're so damn weak you let him take advantage. You're so damn desperate you became his blow up doll.

He doesn't care, he doesn't even like you. Like an idiot you begged for him to give you a chance and he turned you down flat.

You're right you shouldn't be alive. They died and they were better then you, think of the life she could've had.

She would've mattered, she would've been special. She was four months old. Four months old!

Julienne rocked back and forth against the kitchen wall praying it'd all stop. Images started to join the endless rants; her baby cousin had been a huge joy to the family. Her aunt had waited so long to have a child only to have her die before she was even a year old. She stayed away now, they all did. No one ever came out and said it directly to her face but the family all blamed Julienne for the loss. It was probably why her mother had moved so far away from all of them. Her father had been so full of life, always cracking jokes and now he was gone and her mother was alone.

Julienne couldn't stop herself from realizing the baby would be walking and talking by now except she was robbed of it, all of it, due to her stupid mistake. Maybe her parents would've had another child, maybe her mother wouldn't silently be suffering everyday.

Like the flip of a switch her pain went back to Michael. How could she have thought he cared? For years he showed her just what he thought with his abuse, how could she forget? Because you're a needy coward, her subconscious taunted.

Julienne stood from her slump on the floor. The voices and memories wouldn't stop. If they would just stop then she could find a way to fix it. Except….there was no undoing the past. The only thing she could do was find some ounce of peace. To keep from making the same self hatred decisions over and over.

Her mom came in minutes after she found a way to end the pain eating away at her. A scream pieced the room as her mother took in the dark red blood staining the beautiful green marble flooring.