I Want You Back, Cyn

Chapter 4

I've spent most of the day thinking about how much of a bastard I was to Cyn. Looking back now, she was always there for me. She's smart, spontaneous, caring and so beautiful. What did I chuck it all away for? My Family, my friends, my wife and son? All for a woman who wants all of my bloody money and fame. Well done, John.

Looking back now, I remember our college days. Those days was some of the best times of my life. When we got married and the pressure of being a Beatle I think it put pressure on our relationship. Before then, we were young, in love, careless and happy. I'm not saying I didn't love her when we were married because I really did love her, but just thinking back to those days- those wonderful days it saddens me very much that our relationship turned out how it did. Y'know? Oh my God. Something just clicked in my head. Deep down I don't think I've ever stopped loving her... She was my first and proper love and I loved her so fucking much. I really messed up.

I can still feel that same feeling now when I think about it. That fluttering feeling in my stomach whenever Cyn used to talk to me at college or whenever she walked by. She wasn't exactly a Brigitte Bardot, but there was just something about her. She was kind an unassuming. Delicate too, but oh so verry pretty. Her smile would lighten up my day She was a right Hoylake runt, but I secretly loved her voice. I thought it was so sexy.

I couldn't appear weak and soppy over a girl in front of my peers. Especially someone like Cyn. I only took the piss out of her, so I wouldn't have got the piss taken out of me. I hated taking the mick, but I couldn't let her know that I like her y'know? She was all I could think about night and day. Miss Prim, Rock and Roll and sex. That's all I used to think about back then. Sometimes I'd think that her not being with me was the right thing. She was so sensitive and delicate like a flower. The rough self I was would probably break her instantly. I couldn't have her, but I ached for her. I knew that other blokes secretly fancied her too, but I had to win her over. She was mine. When I did finally have her I felt the luckiest man in the world.

This is why I've been feeling so sad and lonely for these past few years. I did love Yoko and I still kind of do, but Cyn is the one that I truly love. I was so obsessed by yoko and I truly have been blind.. Cynthia is the one I really love and need. John, why did you leave her in the first place? I've been so bloody stupid.