I Want You Back, Cyn

Chapter 6

It's been 3 days and the only thing I have had on my mind is Cyn. I've been feeling so shitty lately about how I've treated her when we were together.

Looking back, I was never a good boyfriend because I'd always be shouting at her and when I was in a bad mood I'd take it all out on her. I even hit her once and I knew that as soon as I did it and saw the shocked and hurt face, I regreted it. She left me for 2 months. That's only because I didn't have the guts to phone her up and appologise. I couldn't live without her.

When we was married I'd always take my frustrations out on her and I'd always cheat and have affairs behind her back, but then I'd come home to my loyal, loving, faithful wife and I'd feel so guilty afterwards. Cyn has always been there for me y'know?

When I was sad she'd try and comfort me, whenever I admited to something she'd forgive me straight away and would still be as loving as she had always been. Cyn always put me first and what did I do? I treated her like shit. She deserved someone better than me, but I just can't see her with someone else because she's mine. She has always been mine. I should've appreciated her more because she's the best thing to ever happen to me.

When I got with Yoko, I was obsessed with her because she was someone who was on my level I suppose and doing all of those new things with her like the art exhibitions and the bed-ins were something different, something new other than making music all of the time.

I was happy for a little while with Yoko, but deep down I missed Cyn. I wanted to go back and start fresh, be a better dad to Julian, but I was frightened that she would turn me away. I wouldn't blame her though because I could've treated her so much better.

When we were divorcing she asked for some money to help raise Julian on her own. I gave her £75,000 and she wanted more. I told her Christ, Cyn It's like you've won the pools. You're not worth a penny more. Her lawyer tried to persuade her into getting more money, but she didn't want any more. That shows me that she wasn't just after my money. She really loved me for me, not because I was a Beatle. I should've never told her that she wasn't worth anything because the more I think about her, the more I realise that she's worth so much more than I thought. She truly loved me and what did I do? I threw it all back in her face. I now wish that I treated her better...

In 1971 I wrote a song for her called Jealous Guy. Yoko still thinks it's about her, but I wrote it as an appology for Cyn because there were so many times that I hurt her feelings and there were so many times I saw her cry, that's all because of me. Guilt was eating away at me because I had to appologise to her and tell her that I didn't mean to upset her, but because I'm a coward I didn't have the bloody balls to tell her myself, so I tried to say sorry the only way I knew I could: by writing a song and telling her how I felt. I still don't think she knows it's for her.

Yoko went on a business trip for 4 days to L.A and the only thing on my mind was to call Cyn. When Yoko left I hesitated for second and then called Cyn. How was she going to react? Would she forgive me? I had to find out.