Impavid

With Him

    I looked over at Chase -- who was staring wide-eyed at Luke -- for a second. Luke's eyes had always been expressive, and I could tell his heart was breaking. He didn't say anything, instead just turning around, vanishing out of sight. Rachel was standing frozen next to the open, and now-empty, doorway. 

     "Carson," Rachel whispered, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

     "There's nothing to apologize for," I assured her. 

     I turned to look at Chase, who seemed to be very confused. He was still lying in the same spot, but now he was staring only at the doorway. "Carson," he started, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

    I leaned over, pressing my lips against his. "I'll be right back."

    "Carson." He was louder this time, and I turned from where I was standing. 

     "We broke up."

     "For the summer or for real?"

     "Chase," I whispered. "I'll be right back." 

       I touched Rachel's shoulder as I moved around her, and as I moved into the hallway, I could tell the two of them were silently staring at each other. As soon as I was out of Chase's sight, I started to run. I ran down the hallway, my eyes desperately scanning my surroundings for any sign of Luke. I pushed open the main doors, the warm air meeting my skin. 

      "Luke!" I stopped running. I could see him walking toward his car across the parking lot. He was far; there was no way I'd get to him before he drove away. "Luke!" I was louder this time, and I knew he could hear me. He kept walking, though. 

     I started running again, as fast as I could. I was barefoot, and I cursed under my breath as I repeatedly stepped on rocks or burned my toes on the summer blacktop. "Luke!" I just kept screaming, "Wait!"

    "What?" I heard him ask, and I stopped running again. I stood still, staring at him from across the parking lot. He was facing me, but he was still so far. I just wanted to touch him, but he was out of reach.  

     "I need to talk to you."

     He started to walk slowly toward me, and I did the same toward him. When we were close enough to touch, I reached out, curling my fingers into his. He stared down at them before mumbling, "You sure moved on fast."

     "Luke," I whispered, "it's not like that."

     "You're not with him?"

      "Luke. I love you."

      "Carson, that's not what I asked you."

      "Just say you love me, too," I begged. 

      He reached up with his free hand, cupping my cheek. I leaned against it, closing my eyes. His thumb brushed the hair from my face, and he leaned forward slightly. 

     "Kiss me, and everything will be okay," he begged. 

     "I can't do that, and you know it." 

     "I shouldn't have came." He moved his hand away from my face, and I squeezed the hand I was holding, refusing to let go. 

    "No, I'm glad you did. It's good to see you."

     "I just missed you so damn much," he grunted, "I was waiting for you."

     "This doesn't change anything."

     "Sure it does. You're with someone else."

    "I'm not with him." 

    "Have you kissed him?" 

     I only looked at Luke, refusing to answer that. He leaned down and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes, feeling him tug his hand free. I watched him move to his car and pull the driver's door open. Right before he ducked into the car, he spoke.

     "I love you, Carson." 

     I stood there, watching him drive off. I kicked at rocks around my bare feet, not sure what to do. I turned, moving back inside. I pushed open the door to my room, which had been closed. My bed was empty, and Rachel was sitting at her desk. She turned over her shoulder to look at me.

     "Carson," she whispered, jumping to her feet and pulling me into a hug. "I'm so sorry."

     "You didn't do anything wrong," I assured her, but I stayed in her arms and sniffled. 

     I let her hold me for another minute before I grunted and stepped back. 

     "I need to go find Chase." 

    Rachel's eyes looked at me with such pity, and I smiled before turning to leave the room again. I moved toward Chase's room, my feet still bare as I shuffled them down the hallway. I hesitated before picking up my hand, knocking on his door. 

     It opened slowly, Chase's eyes meeting mine. I didn't say anything, but I felt my eyes start to water. I was thankful that he pulled the door open further and tugged me into his arms. I looked up at him, my eyes big and watery. 

     "It's okay," he promised. "It's okay."

     I didn't say anything in response, and he kicked the door closed behind us, pulling me to his bed. I crawled up into it, pulling the blankets over me. He leaned over, kissing my forehead. I reached out, grabbing his hand, tugging him toward me. He lifted my hand to his mouth, kissing the back of it before letting it fall back onto the bed. He moved across the room, locking the door and flipping off the lights. We needed time to be alone.

     He crawled up next to me, and I turned to bury my face in his chest. 

     "Tell me what's going on," he whispered, running his fingers through my hair.

     "Luke and I have a complicated relationship."

     "Should we not be doing this?" 

       I grabbed a fistful of his t-shirt and pulled him to me. "I'm not with him," I promised. I pressed my lips against his. He kissed me back, full of passion and desire, as he pulled the blankets around us.