Secrets (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 43

They usually say that you only appreciate what you have when you lose it. For me, that's a bit different. I've always appreciated Alyson. I've always appreciated what he had and I don't think that will ever change.

Everyone's shocked by my reaction and calmness to all of this but that's how I have to be. Patient. And as much as I'm hurting on the inside, I have to handle it. I've always been the one to break down and have the guys be there for me so now it's my turn.

Maybe this is God's way to test my patience and I'm not willing to fail this test. I'm going to pass it and at the end, he's always looking out for me. For us.

Scratching my neck, I look at her. Isn't it just crazy that even for someone being in a coma for two months now, she's still out of this world gorgeous? I grab her hand as I kiss it, laying our intertwined heart on her now showing stomach.

The fact that she's in this state right now and one of our babies is still alive just gives me more faith that she will survive this. We will survive this.

But as strong as I try to be, I do break down at times. And those times are when I'm alone with her, like now as I let the tears escape my eyes.

I use to laugh at the people who would say that if the person they love dies, they'd die too. But now I totally understand it. If she dies...I don't think I'll be able to handle it. I won't be able to survive.

She's my life support.

She's the reason my heart beats.

She's the reason blood moves through my veins.

She's the reason I breathe.

She's the reason I wake up every single day.

Her smile...her eyes...they're like the a glow...bringing me out of the darkness. They light the way for me. They're my flashlight.

Now it's my turn to get her through this. To get her through the darkness she's in. I have to be her flashlight...her life support.

She's gone through so much shit in her life at such an early age...I want to give her the most relaxing and amazing life that I can give. The life she deserves.

You know that moment when you first listen to a song and you immediately fall in love with it? And then you keep it on replay for hours...days...until you get sick of it and move on to another one. Her voice...her voice is my favorite song but I never got sick of it. I never moved on and I don't think I can. I don't think I can ever get sick of hearing her talk...hearing her laugh. It's like that one song that can get you through any situation. She got me through every day and I don't think I can get through life without her next to me.

Without her teasing me.

Without her constant nagging that I pretend I hate but I truly love.

Without her laugh.

Without her kisses.

Without her constant need to help others.

Without her love for life.

Just thinking about it makes me want to die.

Everyone has had this feeling before. You know that feeling when you feel as if someone is choking you while stepping on your heart repeatedly, the pain shooting through your whole body as you feel yourself crashing, breaking down, wanting to just die from the pain. That feeling when you're more scared of life than you are death. When every breath that comes out is choked, heavy as it is forced.

A knock on the door breaks me out of my thoughts as I quickly wipe away my tears. As it opens, Louis walks in, holding what has to be food for me. His forced smile makes it's way onto his face as he looks at me, seeing right through my façade.

"Mate...if you're tired you can go home and rest."

I shake my head. "I'm...I'm good."

He nods, not believing me. "I got you food."

"Thanks." I say, taking it and putting it to the side.

He looks over at Alyson as his eyes begin to water. He takes a deep, shaky breath as he sits down next to her bed, opposite of me. Before any of us say a word, Harry walks in.

"Anything new?"

I shake my head as he takes a chair and puts it at the end of her bed, sitting down.

"Management called me..." Harry starts. "They want us to go back on tour since they feel like two months was enough time for us to mourn."

"Mourn?" Louis asks. "Mourn? She isn't dead. They can go fuck themselves. I'm not leaving London as long as she's like this."

"That's what I told them. They said there will be severe consequences."

I chuckle, shaking my head. "Like what?"

"Like them dropping us."

"I don't see why we don't drop them. There are a thousand other labels and managements waiting to take us." Louis says.

"It doesn't matter. I already told them we're not going back on tour while she's like this." Harry said.

After that, the room falls silent as each one of us is distracted by our thoughts. I sigh, throwing my head back as I close my eyes.

"Can you believe there's a baby inside of her right now?" Harry's voice breaks the silence.

I open my eyes, looking straight at the ceiling as I smile. "She always loved kids."

Louis lets out a small, shaky laugh. "I'm pretty sure if she was awake right now, she would be annoying your ass with her cravings."

Chuckling, I look at him. "I really wouldn't mind that."

"I can imagine that. Zayn coming to my house, holding a blanket because Alyson kicked him out. Hormones." Harry jokes.

I laugh. "Mate, without being pregnant and she was emotional. How do you think it'll be while she's pregnant?"

"Either you get her chocolate at four in the morning or you're sleeping on the couch, Zaynie." Louis jokes.

"And the name." Harry smiles. "I can imagine you two fighting over names."

"You'd probably end up accepting whatever she wants just so she stops fighting with you. Whipped." Louis says, smirking.

I shake my head, fighting back a smile as I close my eyes again. "Sure as hell won't name the baby after either one of his dumbass uncles or their girlfriends." I joke.

"...Funny..."

"Fuck yourself, Harry." I say.

Expecting a comeback or a smack on the head, I was surprised when they were both still quiet. Opening my eyes, I look at them, only to see them wide-eyed, mouths slightly open.

My heart beat picks up as I slowly follow their gaze, only to see a small smile on her face, eyes still closed.

"And her name...it's gonna be a girl...Lizzy...Elizabeth Malik."