Secrets (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 52

It was a weird feeling.

It was a good feeling, though.

Knowing that I was this bundle of joy's mother, it was surreal.

And from the moment she was born, I understood my mother, Johannah, and everything she ever did for me.

Obviously I had accepted everything that had happened and everything that was kept secret from me before, but it was at that moment that I understood why it was all done.

A mother's love for her child is like no other. I would do everything in my power and more to protect and cherish her. That was what my mom had done for me.

And then I think of Anne.

To be promised and waiting for two babies and then be told that one had died, it must have crushed her. I know that now.

To be robbed of your own child, a soul that you had carried for nine months and pictured a future for, that is devastating.

And even though I had put that all behind me, it was when I gave birth to my baby that I understood all those feelings.

Looking down at her, I smiled. "Hey, love." I whispered. "I love you so much, Jay."

"Jay's favorite uncle is here!" Louis' voice was heard throughout the whole house.

"Louis, you idiot!" I couldn't help but chuckle as Zayn scolded him.

Louis was doing so much better. Ever since I gave birth to Johannah, he was his old self again. I couldn't be happier about that and I knew it was because of this angel who was sleeping in her crib.

His eyes sparkled again, the life coming back to them.

His smile was genuine and his energy was back.

"Hey, love." I smiled as Zayn's hands wrapped around my body, his head propped on my shoulder. "How are my two favorite people doing?"

"We're doing just fine, actually." I replied, wrapping my arms over his.

"Louis' here."

"I heard." I laugh. "C'mon, let's go downstairs before she wakes up."

He unwrapped his arms from around me and bent down to place a kiss on Jay's forehead. "Daddy loves you, baby girl."

And to say that my heart did not swell up with love and adoration would be a lie.

We walked downstairs as Louis was in the kitchen and Eleanor was sitting in the living room.

"How's the little pumpkin?" She asked me, smiling.

"Just fine, as she was when you called and asked me about her two hours ago." I reply, smiling at her.

"I can't help it." She shrugged.

I shook my head as I sat on the couch.

"Hey, love." Louis spoke as he kissed my forehead and sat next to El.

"Hey, Lou."

And as we all sat and talked and just hung out, that same feeling crawled into my heart and head, bringing me down.

It's been like this ever since I had come home from the hospital, four months ago.

And as they all laughed around me, I couldn't laugh with them. I couldn't even smile.

I just felt tired and down. I felt down right depressed and the guilt ate my up.

I've always known about postpartum depression but I never knew it would last this long with me. One minute I would be completely fine and then the next I would feel as if I wanted to do nothing but sleep and see no one.