The Little Mistakes (boyxboy)

Chapter 31

All I did was cry. After Rikert and I were finished having sex out on the beach, I couldn’t even look at him. I couldn’t look anybody in the eye as we went back to the party. He was in such a great mood, and I felt like shit. I was scared and humiliated. I had never known myself to be as weak as I had been lately, and honestly it was a little terrifying. My life was spiralling out of my control and I only wanted to disappear.

I felt like I didn’t really know who I was anymore. But when Rikert was around me, I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t help it, the emotions I felt were inevitable, it seemed. I looked up to him. Sometimes I wanted to scream at myself because it was almost like I worshipped him. And that made me feel pathetic. But there were other times where I didn’t think I wanted to keep going with him anymore, but it truly terrified me to even think about telling him that.

When Rikert got angry, I was nearly petrified. It was like I couldn’t function properly--talking becoming one of the most difficult tasks, it was almost impossible. All I wanted to do was please him and not have him hit me again. And sometimes it really felt like there was nobody else out there for me. It was either be alone forever or stick with Rikert. My mind had already made the decision on its own. Having his support hurt less than a lifetime of emptiness.

As I obediently stood next to Rikert, listening to him converse with his friends for another twenty minutes before we went home, I could still feel my hands shaking to the slightest degree. The whole encounter had me shaken. And I found it pretty ironic that this was the moment that had me comparing myself to a battered wife and not when he hit me--those times I considered myself more of an unruly child or something. I deserved to be hit those times. But having sex almost in public? That wasn’t something I could ever be okay with.

I spent the forty minute ride home pretending that I was asleep. I knew that if I didn’t, Rikert would probably want me to talk and I didn’t have anything to say. I felt empty and gross and belittled. Even my clothes were still filled with sand and now-dried cum from the both of us.

My entire body was sore and used. We must have had been out there, lying behind that fucking sand dune for only a quarter shy of an hour or something. My arms were just killing me from being stuck above my head the entire time--Rikert had never told me I could move them, and I had been far beyond frightened to do so. I knew when to push my luck. That hadn’t been one of those times.

Rikert dropped me off at my house around one in the morning. My whole body nearly visibly relaxed when he simply kissed me on the cheek and told me I could go inside. He was still so freaking happy. There was a content smile plastered on his face as he looked at me. I tried to look as exhausted as I could. It wasn’t that  hard to fake, though, since I was so tired. I just didn’t want to seem ungrateful or something and make him angry. That was one thing I could definitely do without for the night.

Rikert sped off before I was even to the front steps of my uncles’ house. I barely made it farther than that before the first tears struck me. My throat burned, my eyes stung, and I was shaking more than ever as I managed to silently get myself down to the basement without alerting my uncles. I was so focused on staying as quiet as possible and trying to find my way to my room that I didn’t even realize I was tripping over some random object before I was on my hands and knees on the carpet.

The impact hit me hard. I instantly knew I was going to have bruised knees and the stinging in the heels of my hands told me that I would have burns from the friction of the carpet. That was the exact moment I broke down. A deafeningly loud and horrific sob tore through my throat and escaped past my lips before I let my arms give out and I crumpled to the floor. My cheek hit carpet and then the floodgate of tears couldn’t be stopped or controlled.