Chapter Fourteen
Before I could stop him, Jack had his hands on my notebook. As he picked it up, I heard a metallic clanging sound. I knew exactly what it was- my last razor. It was my favorite razor, the one I kept in the bathroom. It was the only one that had been safe from Jack.
There was an indistinguishable emotion in his eyes as he picked the razor up. Actually, a myriad of emotions, some that I couldn’t even name. But I did see anger, grief, confusion…hurt.
He stood up, while I stayed cowered on the floor. “Stand up.” I complied, honestly afraid he was about to hit me or something. I’m not too rational when I panic. “Show me.” He said.
Jack wanted me to show him my new cuts.
“No !” I shrieked, horrified. He moved toward me anyway, trying to yank my shirt up to see. I batted his hands away, struggling to fight him off. He had me backed against the counter, and I freaked out. I lashed out, my fist colliding with his arm. I hadn’t realized the razor was still in his hand until it was too late. The blade sliced into Jack, releasing a lot of blood from his arm. We both looked at each other, shocked. He moved to place his other hand over the cut, still holding the razor. I moved to do the same thing at the same time, and I got sliced as well. He immediately dropped the blade, freaking out. “Oh my God, Alex ! I’m sorry, that was an accident !” He started worrying more about my cut than his own, even though his was bleeding a lot more. I tried calming him down, “Jacky, it’s okay. It was an accident. And trust me, I’ve done much worse to myself. It’s nothing.”
Wrong thing to say.
Jack’s eyes grew furious- no, not just furious. There was a terrifying mixture of fury and horror in his eyes, and he hissed “What ?” “N-nothing….” I shrank away from him, and he backed away from him. “Alex…I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep you safe…but I’m gonna try to save you. I just need some time, okay ?” With that, he turned around and slowly and sadly walked away.
When Jack went home, it tore something out of me, as if pieces of my heart were attached to him by string. One by one, the chunks pulled out as he left me behind. He was the glue holding me together, the one keeping me from cutting deeper. But Jack was gone for the time being, and I knew in my heart that he wasn’t mine anymore. So I sought the only comfort I could- the kind that came from my blade.
How stupid are you ? I scolded myself as I cleaned the blood off my hips. Jack left because of my cutting, so as soon as he left I started cutting again. This was getting out of control…so why couldn’t I stop ?
It was Friday, and Jack was still avoiding me. I barely spoke to anyone else, not even my parents. They knew I was ‘fighting’ with Jack, so they didn’t try to pry in my life, they just let me mope around. All I did was drag myself to school, come home and do homework, shower, and go to bed. I felt numb.
I needed something to ease the numbness, to feel. You can probably guess what I did.
I felt so stupid for falling apart without Jack, for relying on one person so much to function. But things just didn’t feel right without him. The feeling of worthlessness was also overtaking me. I texted Jack every day, only to get no reply. I worried about him more than I worried about myself- was he eating enough ?
Friday night, a knock on the door startled me from my position on the couch. My heart started pounding, what if it was finally Jack ? I jumped up and opened the door, to reveal Joyce Barakat. She was wringing her hands and visibly panicking. “Alex ! Jack isn’t answering his door, and he refuses to come out. It’s locked, and his dad isn’t home…can you help ?” I nodded without hesitation, my heart racing as we headed across the street.
His mom trailed behind me as I headed up the stairs two at a time. I knocked on his door twice, “Jack ? It’s Alex. Your mom is- WE’RE- worried about you. Open up.”
No response.
I knocked more frantically. “Jack, I know you can hear me. We know you’re in there.” Joyce gripped my arm, and I warned her to back up as I prepared to bust the door in.
Bang- One shove against the door.
Bang- Another hard push and a few splinters.
Bang…crash. And I was in Jack’s room.
I should have prepared myself more for the sight set before me.
Jack lay motionless on the floor.
