Chapter Eighteen
I stared long and hard at the casket, feeling numb and completely shattered at the same time. I love you, why did you leave me ? Why’d you have to go ? Wasn’t I enough to make you stay ?
Every line from Blink 182’s ‘I Miss You’ ran through my head. You loved that song, remember ? We used to sing it together. Remember that Sunday morning we woke up early and sang it while making pancakes ? How about that night when I stayed in your bed because I said I was lonely, when really I was scared of the thunder ? I think you knew, and that’s why you said YOU were scared so I would feel better. Do you remember when we went to the skate park together and found out we were both awful ?
Don’t you remember ?
Of course not, you’re dead. You left me all alone, you’re gone. But why ? Why did you have to go ? Don’t you know how much I need you ?
Now, I’m all alone.
“A handful of moments, I wished I could change…”
Come back.
“Give me therapy, I’m a walking travesty, but I’m smiling at everything…”
Don’t leave, I wanna go with you.
“I think that keeping this up could be dangerous….”
“Lex ! Why are you crying ?!” My head snapped up. “W-what ? Oh.” I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my hand. “Sorry, it’s just…I wrote that when Tom died. It’s just hard, you know. I want you to have it though.” Jack invited me to join him in bed, and I crawled in, curling up against him. “Well, it’s amazing Lex. I can tell how much this means to you. Thank you.” He pressed his lips to my hair, “Now get some sleep.”
I woke up in the dark, panicked. “Jacky ?!” “Relax, Lex. I’m right here. I pretended to be asleep and our softy moms didn’t have the heart to wake us up, I’m spending the night.” “Oh,” I breathed. “What time is it ?” “Just past midnight.” I nodded, moving closer to him. I was scared, but I didn’t know why. I just felt…weird. I didn’t want to tell Jack though, so I just huddled closer and hoped the feeling would pass.
It didn’t.
An hour later and I was still wide awake, but my boyfriend was out like a light. I concluded that flashbacks of Tom’s death had triggered something inside me, the old monster in my head, so to speak.
I climbed out of bed slowly, trying desperately not to wake Jack. I slid on a hoodie and some old converse, tiptoeing down the stairs. I slipped out the door into the indigo night, disappearing like dust into the darkness.
I blinked back tears, touching the stone lightly. “Hey, bro. I know it’s been a while. It’s been hard…it was hard for me to come see you…like this.” I sat down, not caring about the snow on the ground. “Goddamnit I miss you. I miss you every minute…but Jack- you know my boyfriend Jack ?- he makes the pain go numb for a while. He makes things better…I love him Tom, I really do. I wish you could meet him, you would love him too. Can you look out for him ? I mean, with his eating disorder. I’m worried for him, Tom. Uh, I guess you would know about my cutting. Well, I’m trying to stop, for you and for Jack. Um…watch over Mom, bro. She’s been really strong about this, but I know that behind closed doors she breaks down. We all miss you, we all love you. I’ll come back and visit soon, I might bring Jacky too…. Oh ! Before I forget, this is for you.” I placed a piece of lined paper with the lyrics of Therapy on the grave, kissed the stone, and started the journey home.
I climbed back into bed, thinking about how lucky I was to still have most of my loved ones in my life, especially Jack. You don’t choose the people you lose, but you can choose who you want in your life while they’re still around. And right now, I was pretty happy with my choices.
The next morning, Jack was mindlessly strumming his guitar and I was working on some new lyrics when he said “What was he like ?” I bit on the top of my pen, not looking up. “Who ?” “Tom.”
“Oh. OH. Well, he was….wow Jack, you would love him. He was the best big brother, he really was. He always looked out for me, and he never treated me like a little kid. He let me hang out with him and his friends, and like he would let me drink beer, and stay up late with him, and just…you know, stuff like that. He would always-” I laughed a bit. “He would always look at me and wink, then get this weird voice and go “Don’t tell Moooom,” when we were doing something we weren’t supposed to. Tom was great.”
Jack thought for a moment. “You know Alex, that sounds a little like you.”
