Chapter Fifteen
I rolled over and stretched. Well, I attempted to roll over and stretch. Something stuck on my arm was preventing me from doing so. I reluctantly opened my eyes to see the foreign object. I was startled when I realized that the object as an IV, and I indeed was not in my own bed. I started silently panicking when I realized I was in the hospital.
I had no idea how I ended up here, the last I remember it was 6pm Friday. Who knew what day or time it was now ? Who knew anything ? Although, I could probably guess the reason WHY I was in the hospital.
Shit.
I waited quietly in my room alone, waiting for someone to come in and tell me what was going on. I could see my mom outside the glass window talking with a doctor, and she looked like she’d been crying. I wasn’t worth crying for, why was she crying ?
I’ll admit, I was really scared. I didn’t want anyone to know about my ED, obviously, but now it was impossible to hide. They would call me a freak, and then they would make me gain weight. I don’t wanna be fat…I don’t wanna be fat….I don’t wanna be fat. Was this all for nothing ?
The door opened, and my mother rushed in, smothering me immediately. The doctor pulled up a chair next to my bed, and I knew he was about to have a serious talk with me. I gulped, and turned to face him. He looked at me sympathetically- “Now Jack, I assume you know why you’re here.” “Uh, well, sort of, but not exactly.” “Well son, you passed out in your home earlier this evening. Upon further inspection in the hospital, I have concluded that you are in the beginning stages of an eating disorder. Now, I’m going to get right to the point here. Since you have only started these…habits, about a month ago, you will be undergoing outpatient treatment. That means that you will be having weekly weight checks, and therapy sessions twice a week, as well as close monitoring. Anorexia is a slippery slope, Jack. You need to get better. Now I’m going to leave you alone to talk things over with your mother.” With that, he left the room.
I felt my mother’s hand on my forehead “Jack. My little boy, my baby boy…Jack. Why did this start ? How did this come about ? You were never fat, not even a little bit…Oh, sweetie.” She cried into her hands, and I thought about her questions. I didn’t really know when it started, suddenly one day there was a seed planted in my head that said “You need to lose weight.” I don’t know how or why, it was just there. I contemplated what the doctor had said also- did he not think that I knew all those things ? He didn’t know what it was like to look in the mirror and HATE yourself, but also at the same time know you could change what you hated about yourself the most. No one could understand that.
They didn’t understand.
“Mom, is Alex here ?” “Yeah, baby. He’s the one who found you…he’s pretty…he’s pretty upset. He’s in the cafeteria. I haven’t called your father yet, he had to work late and I didn’t want him to worry. But you know that we need the money, with the move….” “It’s okay mom, I get it.” I kissed her forehead and faked a smile, and she went to get Alex.
The door opened slowly. I caught Alex’s eye, and immediately wished I hadn’t. His eyes were red and puffy, and he looked like someone had murdered a puppy in front of him. He walked slowly and carefully, as if something might pop out at him. His hair was disheveled as if he had been tearing at it. The look in his eyes was that of a soldier looking out over the battle field. But still, I took a long, hard look. “You caused this.” I reminded myself.
He sat in the chair on the left side of me. “Jacky.” He slowly lifted his hand and touched my face softly, as if I would disappear, as if he wasn’t sure I was real. “I thought…I thought I lost you. I thought you were”- he choked back a sob-“dead.” “Nope, I’m still kickin’.” I stroked his hair, smoothing it down some to lessen the madman effect. “When I saw you lying there on the floor it was just like Tom. I thought you…” He trailed off, his voice barely a whisper. And that’s when I realized “You’d thought I had committed suicide.”
Alex nodded, openly crying now. He rested his forehead against the side of my bed, clutching my hand. “Jacky I don’t want you to die.” He was breaking my heart, acting like this. “It’s all my fault, I should have told. I should have told ! I knew ! I knew !” “Shh,” I told him. “Alex, you only knew for about a week. It’s fine, I only passed out. I’m going to be fine.” I sounded so convincing, so calm, but on the inside, I was majorly panicking. I felt absolutely terrible for the way I made my best friend and my mother feel. And I was still thinking up ways to fake getting better to lose weight. It never ended.
After ten minutes of quiet sobbing, Alex lifted his head. He caught my eye for a moment, then stood, leaned down, and kissed me. It wasn’t just a peck, and it wasn’t a kiss full of romance. It was a kiss filled with desperation, longing, hurt…The kiss of someone who is worried that they’ll never see their lover again. Something bittersweet to remember them by. There was something in his eyes that said he needed to go cry alone, really let it out. He had been holding back in front of me. Alex smiled at me sadly, “Jacky, I have to go.”
And just like that, I was alone.
