Trigger warnings: self harm and suicidal thoughts. You have been warned so if you relapse, not my fault. I guess it's not really a preference. Enjoy! Also, semi important author's note at the end.
Stupid people. Those people never cease to piss her off. Always have something to say.
Sam and Dean always try to cheer Sil up, and she always tell them she's okay. Sil don't want to put any other pressure on their shoulders.
Why do they care so much? She asked herself. What could Sam, Dean, Cas or anyone see in me? I'm a waste.
Sil never had much self-confidence. Granted, there were times when she could be good to herself, but that was rare.
The boys were on a hunting trip and wouldn't be home until tomorrow. At least, that's what they told her. For all she knew, they could be fine until next Thursday. She doubted it, though.
It's not worth it. She thought. I shouldn't do this. They'll find out. I-
Stop complaining. It's a venting mechanism. You'll be fine. I mean, you're so ugly, a terrible hunter. You're worthless. Just do it.
She walked to the bathroom, locked it behind her, and grabbed the razor.
It's all my fault. I should've been able to save them. I should've gotten to Sam sooner. He's injured because of me. Dean hates me. Those people-
Her thoughts were interrupted by the pain of the blade opening her skin. It'd been years since she last did this.
Failure.
Accident.
Useless.
Unloved.
Worthless.
Go die in a hole.
Fag.
For every thought that she had, she cut herself one time. Six deep cuts bled on her left arm, the razor in her right hand.
"Sil," Sam called. Crap! They're back!
"Where are you," he asked with a worried tone filling his voice. They knew about what she used to do. They knew she still had self-esteem issues and they did their best.
"Sil," Dean asked as he knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," she replied. "I'm not feeling well."
"Are you okay," Dean questioned.
"Yeah," Sil lied. "My stomach just hurts. It may have been something I ate." That, too, was a lie. She hadn't eaten anything that day.
"Well," he told her. "Take all the time you need. Well be here for you when you come out."
She gave him an "Ok" before he walked off, sighing in relief that he didn't try to force his way into the bathroom. It's happened before.
Although the boys were in another room, along with a familiar feminine voice, she could still slightly hear their conversation.
"What if she's lying to you, Dean," Sam, she guessed, said. "I mean, I want to believe that she's fine- hell. I'm sure she's fine- but what if she's relapsed?!"
"Will you two shut up," the feminine voice, which she recognized as Charlie, intervened. "I'll go check on her, but you two need to quiet down!"
Sil heard Charlie make her way towards the door, and heard her feet hault outside the door.
"Are you okay, Sil? I know Dean just talked to you, but are you really okay?"
Sil loved talking to Charlie. She never treated her like she made purposeful mistakes, not that the boys did that much either, and she was always willing to talk. She was there for Sil when the boys were away on hunts.
"Yeah," Sil lied. "I'm just not feeling well."
"In what aspect," Charlie continued. "Like you're having a stomach cramp, or emotional pain?"
Sil listened to Charlie. Her voice was so calm, and it made her want to tell the God's honest truth. But, in a way, she didn't want to disappoint her. Charlie made Sil promise to not hurt herself again, and she failed. She broke an important promise to a girl she actually liked. Not just as a friend either. Sil liked Charlie.
"Sil," Charlie asked calmly. "You know I'm not going to leave until you talk to me. This isn't the first time. You can come talk to us. We're here for you. I hope you know that."
She heard Charlie sit and lean against the door. Charlie wasn't kidding when she said she wasn't leaving.
Sil proceeded to wrap up her arm, and pull her sweatshirt on over her shoulders.
"Promise you won't leave," Sil asked Charlie through the door.
"Promise."
-
It had been a while, don't know how long, just a while, before Sil emerged from the bathroom with Charlie.
"Are you alright, Sil," Sam asked. In a way, she had become their sister.
"Yeah," she muttered.
"Well. I'm glad you're alright," Dean told her. "Now. Talk to us. Please."
Sil looked at the boys who had become brothers to her, and then looked at Charlie. She nodded.
"Tell them what you told me," she told Sil in a calm manner.
Sil proceeded to tell the boys what happened. She never once looked either of them in the eye, afraid of how they were looking at her.
"Sil," Dean said. "Look at me." She slightly looked up at him. "YOU shouldn't be afraid to talk to us if you need to. I understand that we're not around all the time, but you need to know that we love you and want you to come to us if you need to. Okay? Come here."
He pulled her into a comforting hug that she obviously needed. Sam can in, and Charlie.
"We don't want you to hurt yourself," Sam told her. "You may not believe this, but when you hurt yourself, it doesn't just hurt you. Sil, we love you too much to see you in pain, and if you don't come to us, then we can't help you. We love you way too much, Sil. Too much."
Sil let the silent tears fall as she was being smothered with love in a group hug with two gigantic mountains, and a girl just a little shorter than herself.
Never again.
I don't know how good this chapter is, but I hope you like it and I just want to say that it's okay to be upset. I have had those 'hate myself' moments, but, and take it from someone who knows, cutting or self harming doesn't effect you. It effects those who love you as well.
Also, about the BSMs and DDMs... They won't be up until I finish Time Of Our Lives. So, it may be a while. I'll still out BSMs and DDMs over here, though.
I love you guys so much. If you need to talk to anyone, you can message me.
Love y'all.
HannahStuhlreyer
