Becoming

6| lapis lazuli

"all of the memories now, please let me loose somehow"

-settle down, gentle bones

"Are you crazy?"

I winced slightly at Georgia's outburst, but held my ground.

"No, I think it's perfectly reasonable," I countered. "Think of it as an experiment. It'd be good for our image if we project that we can be kind, too."

"Oh, do you smell that?" Katrina sing-songed, eyes contemptuous and malevolent. "It's the smell of bullshit."

"If you're waiting for me to care, you should build a house while you're at it because it'll be years before I do," I snapped. "I'm doing this for us too, stop assuming everything I do is for evil."

"This is a stupid idea, and you know it," Eugenia stated flatly. "Being nice to the new girl? When we've always done something or other to them to test their weakness? People are either going to think we're going soft, or they're going to use the new girl against us. Stop being so pretentious."

"Would you guys stop making such a big deal out of nothing?" I scowled, resisting the urge to scream despite the fact that I knew my argument was weaker than theirs. "I'm not saying we become the saints of the school overnight. I'm just saying we ignore her, or something. Like, you know, pretend she doesn't exist."

"That's more detrimental than what we usually do," Irene remarked casually, although her words were sharp. I knew what she was insinuating, and by how the others fidgeted, they knew too. "But, I mean, if that's what you want, by all means go for it. Just know we're not picking up the pieces for you anymore."

Involuntarily, I let out a gasp, like I had been punched in the gut. It was a low blow, but then again, nothing was too low a blow when it came to me.

"What Irene is saying is," Eugenia hurried to diffuse the tension, "it's dangerous, what you're proposing we do. Remember what happened the last time you tried to make a drastic change to what we usually do?"

"Shut up," I muttered lowly. It was painful how Eugenia's tone had softened, and it was a stab to the gut how the others were looking at me with a mixture of pity and disgust. I didn't need to be reminded of what had happened over and over and over again. "Stop trying to change my mind. This is happening. If I find out that you guys have done anything, and I say anything at all, I'll personally destroy you."

"You speak of destruction, but you're too much of a wimp to actually do anything," Katrina's words were scornful, and I stiffened. "You're too scared to do anything, because you know you're going to mess things up again. You're pathetic, you know?"

"Fuck you, Katrina," I spat out, ignoring the sudden ringing in my ears.

"I learnt from the best, honey," Katrina smiled, slow and sardonic. "Anyway, who's up for drinks? My treat, I heard that the cafeteria's got a promotion on some new drinks."

Eugenia and Irene nodded wordlessly, following Katrina out.

Only Georgia stayed, looking at me with an odd expression on her face.

"Aren't you going to leave?" I laughed bitterly. "You always do, anyway."

"We don't hate you, you know," Georgia said quietly. "We should, but we don't."

"Don't come to me and try to pretend that you care," I bit back sharply. "You and I both know that this friendship between all of us broke beyond repair back in 2013. What we have now is a relationship of convenience, so don't you dare pull that shit with me when you've tossed me to the dirt just as I have you."