Becoming

10| howlite

"you can run but you can't hide. time won't help you, because karma has no deadline"

-true friends, bring me the horizon

"You know, Felicity, you're like my older sister!"

I froze, fingers tightening around my ice-cream cone.

"I'm honoured," I smiled, though it was tight. "Why do you think so, though?"

"Well," Abigail paused to grin at me, eyes alight with glee. "You care for me, and for all of us! Even though you get really tired sometimes, you always come over at least three times a week! That's why you're like my older sister, because you're always there for us!"

"So, going by your logic, if someone else were there instead of me, you'd think of them as your older sister too, right?"

"No," Abigail replied immediately, taking me aback. "You're special to me, and to all of us! No one could ever replace you."

I felt a shudder pass through my body, and I longed desperately to curl into myself. I didn't deserve the title, the prestige, the responsibility of being an older sister. It didn't matter if it was by blood, or by name. I couldn't do it, not when it brought back so many memories of my inadequacy and my failure.

I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to remember her, I didn't want to remember what had happened, I didn't want to remember anything.

But you still do, don't you? You force yourself to remember every single excruciating second.

"Thank you," I said. It was empty, hollow - I didn't mean it, just as I didn't mean most things I said nowadays. After all, the things I didn't mean were picked on and picked apart by people while the things I did mean were ignored.

Funny how the world worked, wasn't it?

"We should probably get back soon," I stared at the ice-cream dripping down the side of the cone. "Mrs. Green did say that we only had an hour."

"Aw," Abigail pouted. "I want to stay! You'll bring me out again, right?"

"Yeah, of course I will," I cracked a small smile. "You can count on it."

There was an odd tightness in my chest as I watched Abigail cheer, a feeling that I couldn't describe. I wanted to reach out, to promise Abigail that yes, I would be her older sister and that yes, I would always be there for her.

But I couldn't. I couldn't make promises, because I always ended up breaking them.

===

"Hey, Felicity, do you see the stars?"

"What are you talking about?" I laughed, turning my head slightly to face her. We were lying on the grass, gazes trained skyward and fingers interlocked. "It's a clear night today, there's no stars. Maybe you need to sleep."

"If I need to sleep, you need to sleep too," she shot back, grinning as I pouted. "Look closer, there's a star right there."

Squinting, I followed the direction her finger was pointing, and was surprised to find a tiny speck glimmering defiantly.

"Are you sure that's not just glitter?" I teased, letting out an exaggerated 'ow!' when she whacked my arm.

"Shut up," she snickered. "Anyway, why do you think I showed you that?"