Becoming

9| carnelian

"i'm a hostage to my own humanity, self-detained and forced to live in this mess i've made"

-be my escape, relient k

Emotions, I found, were like tornadoes.

There was always a way of predicting what would come next, simply because there was always a cycle. Hurt. Despondence. Apathy. Anger. It was like being drawn into the eye of the tornado, where everything culminated into a one-track clarity and stillness that screamed for me to hurt.

It was a sort of anger that was difficult to name or describe, because it was so much and yet nothing at the same time. In the eye of the tornado, I wanted nothing but to take out everyone around me - consequences be damned. It was a lust to hurt others as I had hurt, all the while loathing both myself and the wretched world I had been born into.

The voices of those I hurt in the process screamed around me, howling in my ears in a desperate plea for me to stop, please stop, but I couldn't. I was suspended in the eye of the tornado, fuelled by the thirst for blood, until eventually I was yanked back into reality and my actions came crashing back down to me.

That was when my voice chimed as one with everyone else, pleading, howling, screaming, crying for me to stop, please stop, because this wasn't who I was.

I hated it so much, yet I always found myself dancing to the music of the doomed, twirling and jumping headfirst into what could only spell disaster. But then again, I had condemned myself from day one, when I lost myself to the judgement of others.

So, really, the only person I could blame was myself.

===

"Rather drastic, don't you think?" Katrina drawled, raising an eyebrow and gesturing to the board. "As far as I know, no one's crossed us as of late."

I shrugged, eyes empty as I surveyed the classroom.

There was a tense air of mistrust, and most people were huddled away from people they usually considered their closest friends. Of course, all that could be attributed to me, considering the pages I had put on everyone's desks.

Pages that exposed the darkest secrets and betrayals of the people they considered to be as good as family.

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, but who was to say that people of the same blood couldn't turn on each other?

It was, after all, our human nature and what we had done for years.

"I'm a drastic person," I said. "And this is what drastic people do."

Katrina laughed, shaking her head.

"I see." She cocked her head, eyes cool, and didn't say anything more.

===

"I warned you not to hurt Asher."

I looked up, meeting Georgia's furious glare with indifference.

"No, actually, you didn't," I said. "It's none of your business what happens between us. As far as I know, I didn't hurt him."

It was probably a bad idea to antagonise Georgia, considering what she knew about me. But rage blinded me, and all I wanted to do was one-up Georgia. I often forgot that I was the one in control, and not her.

"Do I look like I give a rat's ass?" She laughed, a shrill noise that grated on my nerves. "Don't forget what I know, Felicity. When I say stay away from Asher, I mean it."