Becoming

11| diamond

"i reached for you, but you were gone"

-wonderland, taylor swift

It felt like all the air had been knocked out of me.

I stumbled, my knees buckling momentarily under me, and grabbed blindly onto the tree trunk for support. There was a tightness in my chest that constricted my heart and my throat, leaving me with an odd feeling that was between breathless and hyperventilating.

It wasn't possible.

They couldn't have found out.

It was all a bad dream, it had to be just a bad dream.

Soon, I would wake up, and then-

And then what? You'll just have to face another day of living with this guilt.

Something between a strangled cry and a guttural sob tore from my lips, and I fell to my knees. It didn't matter that I was getting strange looks, it didn't matter that I was in public.

There was no shame left to feel, not when I was who I was.

"Is something wrong?"

I shook my head, even though my smile was shaky.

"No, everything's fine." I mumbled, my voice cracking. Moments later, I felt arms around me.

"You're a liar and you know it," Cheri murmured, her voice a familiar hum against the cacophony of my thoughts. "I'm not going to force you to talk, but I'll be here if you need me."

At that, I couldn't help the tears that began falling down my face, even though I knew I was a weakling for allowing myself to cry so easily.

We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, with my head buried in my hands and Cheri's arms around me. Even though it must've looked weird, to me, it was something of a lifeline to me.

Cheri was something of a lifeline to me.

And I couldn't imagine losing her.

"I don't want to remember, please, no," I gasped out, hands pressed to my mouth in a desperate attempt to muffle the screams that threatened to tear free from my throat. I wanted to lose control, I wanted to yell, I wanted to break.

Break, just as I had when I lost her.

"Excuse me, miss, are you okay?"

I looked up, mustering all the effort I had to put on a fake smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just need a moment to gather myself. I just got some bad news, my mother just texted to say that my older sister died in surgery," I lied easily. It was partially true- my older sister was dead, just not from surgery.

She had been dead for two years now.

"Oh, my condolences," the lady looked sympathetic. "Do you want a ride to the hospital or something?" Her eyes were soft, and her smile kind.

For a moment, dark brown eyes that held the same softness flashed before me.

"No," I murmured quietly. "I think I'll be okay. Thank you for your help."

The mask I always put on slid back into place.

===

The moment I walked through the school gates, Georgia was there, engulfing me in a giant hug.