Becoming

13| blue topaz

"i never said that i want this; this burden came to me, and it's made its home inside"

-monster, imagine dragons

The passage of time was much like a jam.

At first, it was solid, real, something that could be manipulated and understood easily. But as it spread out, growing thinner and thinner and further and further away, it all blurred into one shapeless thing. I didn't care for it anymore, and I couldn't distinguish what made the individual parts of it.

Sometimes, a day felt like a year, and sometimes, a year flew by like it was nothing more than a minute. I was helpless to the manipulation of time, much like I was helpless to the manipulation of my situation. I hated it, hated how vulnerable I was. It was much like being held up in chains, a gun pressed to my forehead, and I had to withstand the abuse hurled at me for fear of death.

...you're no daughter of mine...

...there's a special place in hell reserved for people like you...

...no one fucking cares about you...

...worthless child...

...waste of space...

...fuck off, the world is better without you...

...no one gives two shits...

...attention-seeking...

It all blurred together into one big mess, like a fog I had to stumble through. A blizzard, a hurricane, a sandstorm - there was no definite end, and so I kept stumbling.

I kept stumbling through the verbal abuse.

I kept stumbling through the physical abuse.

I kept stumbling through the emotional abuse.

I kept going and going and going and going, until I wasn't even sure if I had control over my own mind anymore.

I didn't know whether I had a place anywhere anymore.

And that had to be the worst feeling of all.

===

It was funny how the weather always matched my mood.

When I was upset, I would stare out of the window and reflect, gaze mechanically following the raindrops sliding down the windowpane.

When I was happy, I would run through the fields Cheri and I used to go to, sunlight warm on my skin, and for a moment it would feel like things would be okay.

When I was angry, I would kick myself up higher, higher, higher on the playground swings, wind blowing my hair backwards as if it was strong enough to blow away my pain.

Similarly, now, as I ran in a fit of blind despair, the rain beat down on me like an accusation.

It was raining so heavily that I could barely see two feet in front of me, and everything seemed to be cloaked in white. I couldn't tell if there were more tears or raindrops on my face, and maybe, that was for the best.

Then, no one could tell that I was "just another depressed psycho" taking the chance to pretend that she was in a movie by galloping through the rain majestically.

Ha.

How I wished the lightning would smite me down there and then.

"Why won't you just fucking kill me already?" I screamed, skidding to a halt in the middle of the pavement. "Just end my life, for the love of everything! It would be a favour to this world! You're throwing down lightning for a fucking reason, you know?"