Phan Oneshots

The Definition of Content

Summary: Dan refuses to admit he is depressed and is forced into going to a psychologist, who is the literal human embodiment of sunshine.
TW: depression, cussing, drinking/smoking, also a small discussion about suicide

-

There were nights where Dan would lie awake, staring at the ceiling while darkness surrounded him, suffocating him with demons of the moon. It was on these nights that it felt as if the silence were pressing down on his chest, making it hard to breathe, and all he could do was focus on the soft inhales as he tried to lull himself to sleep.

He hadn't always been like this. Once upon a time, he remembered being able to fall asleep at nine at night rather than when the sun started to rise, and he was able to wake up feeling refreshed rather than even more exhausted than the previous night. He didn't know what had happened, what had changed inside of him that it made every living moment a complete hell, but what was done is done and Dan had become accustomed to living in this way.

He remembered how it had happened gradually, slowly numbing his heart until there was nothing he truly cared for anymore, nothing he'd found joy in.

But the memories of past years were always pushed to the side because they made Dan's heart ache and he would instead continue counting the ridges in his ceiling until he gradually fell asleep, the first few rays of sun flitting through his window. Some nights, he would only get a few hours of sleep before he would be awoken by the shrill of his alarm, screaming into his ears. He would then force his eyes open, wondering why he couldn't just disappear from his life already as he showered.

It wasn't like Dan was suicidal, no, he would never force pills down his throat or shoot himself just to stop the pain residing inside of him. It was just that he was tired. Tired of living, of being victim to same routine every day, of going to a job that he hated just to get by.

There had to be more for Dan than this. That was the only reason he got up in the morning, the hope that today might just be the day where he felt the burden lift from his chest, making it a bit easier to breathe.

Today, though, felt no different. He cracked his eyes open to blinding sunlight, the alarm deafening him, and slid out of bed with an elongated sigh. It felt like Dan was a zombie with heavy eyes and exhausted limbs, but he threw on his work clothes anyways, not bothering to straighten his unruly hair.

He didn't bother to eat, not being able to stomach anything, and instead walked outside, squinting his eyes against the sun. And to be honest, he kind of wanted to tear his eyes out at the glare.

But he didn't, keeping his eyes on the ground instead.

So maybe it was because of that, or maybe it was fate, but only a few moments later, someone was slamming into Dan, knocking him flat to the ground. The man who Dan had slammed into let out a loud squeak, dropping a handful of around seven books onto the pavement.

"I'm so sorry!" The man exclaimed, reaching out a slender hand to help the brunette to his feet. "I couldn't see you over all of my books, I am seriously so sorry."

Dan shrugged. It wasn't like he cared and he had just over thirty minutes to walk to his work, so it's not like he was in a particular hurry or anything. "Don't worry about it," He murmured, staring at the guy through his curly fringe.

He was attractive, Dan decided, with ebony hair in a similar fashion to Dan's and sky blue eyes that stood out against pale skin. "I'm Phil," The man finally uttered, bending down to pick up his books, Dan imitating him to seem a bit less rude.

"Dan," He didn't know what else to say, didn't know if he even had enough energy to form the words on his tongue. "Why do you have so many books?" He surprised himself by saying in a flat voice.